Children can suffer terribly if parents decide to get a divorce and it becomes a time of great anger and stress. If instead, the parents realize how a much a divorce could affect their children and try to make it as peaceful as possible, everyone gains. Parents have asked me if it is better to stay in a bad marriage or go ahead with a divorce. My answer is always that a bad, turbulent marriage is very hard on children and a pleasant divorce is much better. Often when one or both parents are working hard and the children see little of them, a divorce may mean each parents has to or hopefully will spend some quality time with the children.
I have had to be the expert witness in some ugly divorce cases and seen how the children were badly traumatized. In two cases the fathers received full custody becasue the mothers had paid little attention to the children. Both fathers were excellent parents and put their children's needs above their own.
Some of the tips I always give divorced parents are: Don't try to buy your kids with gifts or money and don't be afraid to say "no". Children need and want consistent limits. It is difficult not to criticize the other parent, but this just hurts the children. Some family counseling may be needed if the children are acting out or having a hard time handling the divorce. Lots of talking and spending one-to-one time with each child is important when you are a single, divorced parent. Try to keep a member of the other sex from spending the night as much as possible. This can be very hard on children. A constant turnover of partners is particularly hard on children. Putting the children first pays off in a huge way.
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