Rx For Parenting Today

Raising Teenagers You Enjoy

I've heard many parents say they can hardly wait until their teenage children go off to college. It always hurts me to hear a parent say that. I think it says a lot about the family dynamics.  Have the parents ever enjoyed their children or are the children just an accessory? Many teens have told me that they are expected to always look put together, excel in  everything they do and be perfect. Is that why the parents had them just to keep up with their friends? 

Kids are so special that no matter who they are they have wonderful traits that can be encouraged and developed. Having fun with your children at all ages is hard when you have to work full-time and have little money. The kids can be taught to help, have chores, be careful about money and play an important part in having a close, loving, warm family. Money often hurts rather than helps. When a child expects their parents to be ATM machines, don't  have chores, or make any contribution to the family, they lose out badly. I greatly missed my children when they went to college and in my book Letters Home, I included some of their special letters. When my son was in Trinity College in England there was both a mail and telephone strike. It was hard for him to get letters and his letters were only received if he had someone mail them in England.  Even though I worked full-time, had weekend and frequent night calls, the children and I had special quality times such as Saturday lunch, ice skating on their half-day off from school and entertaining their friends at our  house. I still hear from several of their friends, who said they enjoyed our house more than than own.

I wish all couples who decide to  have children realize  they are given a wonderful gift and enjoy each child for who  he or she is, not the person the  parents want them to be. 

 

 

When Children are Included with Their Parents in a Special Party

Recently, I was invited to a anniversary celebration. Several little children came with their parents and most of the parents kept close watch on their children. However, one single mother did not. I knew from a previous experience with the boy that he was a child with problems. I didn't take time to talk to many people because I  stayed with the five-year-old trying to keep him busy and occupied. He told me that he didn't like to talk to people and there was no question in my mind he had untreated ADHD, was most likely learning disabled, and was probably on the autism spectrum. One teenage boy, with wonderful doctor parents, looked bored, so I asked him if he would help me watch the little boy. He was amazing and followed the child around the rest of the  evening.  The teenager could easily have prevented an accident or even a tragedy.

I have been the pediatrician for several children who either died or became markedly delayed because of accidents or drownings. No parent should ever let a little child out of  his or her sight at a big party because serious consequent could occur. My hope for this little boy is that his school will insist on some testing and treatment. Otherwise, he could  become one of the adults we are seeing far too often now who are angry and act out with a gun or knife. If a parent or parents are in denial that there is a problem, there has to be a way to get their children help. I  have had wonderful parents ask me for help with a child in trouble and with good testing and therapy tragedies can be averted. 

Trump's Lack of Concern for Children

Not only are migrant children at the border suffering or dying, as two have done recently, but millions of children in the U.S. are hungry or lack good medical care. Food stamps are one of Trump's targets, as well as the Republicans in Congress.  Many in Congress are very wealthy and of course have excellent health benefits. A recent report showed that about three million American children live in "extreme poverty." This is happening in the richest country in the world. We should all be ashamed this is allowed to happen. Some parents skip meals so their children will have enough to eat. Food pantries help some and some churches and other organizations do what they can. It hurts me deeply to know that any child goes to bed hungry or is without good medical care. The tax bill the Republicans passed helped only the rich. Why do they need more money, more houses, or more cars when they already have more money than most people have ever seen?

At this point, 14,000 migrant children are still in federal shelters.  Medical care is minimal and some children are even housed in tents. What kind of a country is the U.S. turning into? Many of the shelters are privately owned and the owners are making millions of tax payer dollars. If the Affordable Health Care act is eliminated by the Republicans, even more children and families will be hurt. Children with disabilities and adults with pre-existing conditions will suffer terribly. I am glad I live in California where the Governor and legislators are doing what they can to fight against the terrible policies of the Trump administration. As citizens we each need to to what we can to fight their lack of concern for children and ill or disabled people. Let's hope 2019 brings us better news than 2018 has done. 

Johnson and Johnson Baby Power and Asbestos

In a recent  article in the New York Times, Roni Rabin and Tiffany Hsu reported that Johnson and Johnson as far back as 1971 were told by one of their executives that their baby power was possibly contaminated by asbestos. Other J and J executives over the years made the same comment. Yet nothing was done and the baby powder continued to sell. Now there are going to be possibly 12,000 law suits about the problems this has created. Twenty-two women who had ovarian cancer sued the company because of the connection between the powder and asbestos. They were awarded 4.69 billion dollars.

As a pediatrician, I always advised parents  to use just the Johnson and Johnson baby shampoo. I did this because I didn't feel babies needed all kinds of products on their skin and also because of the cost. I suggested cornstarch worked just as well as baby powder and was less expensive. I did not know about the asbestos problem at that time.

I was standing at a check-out line a long time ago and saw a woman buying all kinds of expensive baby products. She paid with food stamps. I wanted to suggest she spend the money on food, not baby products.  

Medical, drug, and health companies frequently make statements that are false. I often shudder when I see an ad saying a product is recommended by all pediatricians, when I know the product is not something pediatricians would recommend. 

Far too many people rely on ads to buy products. When a baby's health or body are in jeopardy some research is needed. WebMD and the Mayo Clinic are good sources for medical information. I'm not sure it is possible  to rely on all doctors because they may go along with what the drug representatives tell them. Also, far too many doctors have connections with different medical companies, which is of great concern.

Holidays and Grieving

I  have always loved the Christmas holidays with the beautiful decorations and the special times with my children and grandchildren. However, since losing a daughter to breast cancer seven years ago  because of the terrible medical care in Santa Fe, New Mexico and the recent loss of a special male friend, I find the days are a little harder to navigate. I am fortunate to have a wonderful son and soon to-be daughter-in law and my grandchildren will be home for Christmas.  Several of my single friends wish the holidays would be over quickly. One was adopted and is now a widow. She has no children, but fortunately several good friends. If we have lost a family member or special friend, I think we  must reach out to others and see if we can't put our own grief aside and see how we can bring some joy to others less fortunate. 

I love hearing from former patients and always look forward to their holiday cards and visits. How fortunate I was to find a medical profession that brought me such joy and lasting rewards. I wish the young doctors today could realize that the being a physician is not a way to make a lot of money but a way to make a difference in peoples' lives and have long-term, lasting relationships. I worry that medicine as it is being taught in far too many medical schools today is all about technology or doing research and getting a Nobel prize. No prize can ease the pain of not  having special close relationships with family, friends and former patients, particularly during the holidays. 

Children and Stress

I see and hear about more and more children being put under stress these days. Many parents insist their children get excellent grades, excel in everything they undertake  and always look their best. Even many small children show signs of stress. Some teachers also push children too far. The idea of giving a child in second grade homework is ridiculous. 

Childhood should be a time to have fun, learn how to get along with others and just "be". Sitting outside and looking at the clouds or enjoying nature should be something they are allowed to do without a parent or caretaker pushing them to be busy. Reading and writing should also be fun, not a chore. Many children are put on drugs to help them, "focus". I had the parent of a teenager insist I write a prescription for some medication so her son could be more "focused" and get better grades. All the youth really wanted to do was tinker with an old car after school. I refused to write the prescription, so the mother found a doctor friend who did. I was glad I did not see that mother again!

If a child is truly having a problem focusing or sitting still, a good physical examination, a blood count, thyroid panel and a urinalysis should be done. A ten minute office visit with an M.D. is not adequate to discover any real problems. If that is what the doctor does, it  is time to find  a doctor who listens, takes a good history and does a good examination. Old fashioned medicine still pays off royally.

 

 

Holiday Parenting

Now that the holidays are  almost here, it can be a frantic time for parents. Rather than getting caught up in having the perfect turkey or holiday party, it can also be a time for reflection. With some many recent tragedies in the world, I think we have to be grateful we can still have some special family times on holidays. Children will long remember yearly traditions rather than the food that was eaten or the toys they received. If you don't have any holiday traditions, this might be the year to start them. They can be as simple as going to a annual holiday event, baking a special dish or treat or singing Christmas carols around the piano, as I did with my children. 

One of the things I have always stressed during this busy season is to be sure you don't get too busy to be sure your children are safe. Lighted candles, holiday plants, such as holly and  mistletoe, and even Christmas trees can be a hazard. If you have an active toddler or a child with developmental delay or on the autism spectrum, you want to be particularly careful. I remember one woman suggested putting the Christmas tree into a playpen if you were not sure a child could or would not pull it over! I remember one Christmas when my active two year-old boy pulled all the name tags from the presents under the tree and proudly handed them to me.  My mother-in-law was not happy I could not thank her for their special gifts!

One way to be sure little children are safe, if you have a big holiday party, is to hire a teenager or someone to watch the children. If you have a child with autism who likes to escape, this can be a way to be sure he or she is safe. Thanking ahead about any possible problems and solutions can make it a more fun time for everyone. Happy Holidays!

College Students Killed in the Latest Mass Shooting

My  heart goes out to the parents and families who lost a child in the latest mass shooting.  College should be a time  to have fun and learn who you are and what you want to do in life. Instead, we have just had our latest mass shooting that killed at last count 11 college kids. There have been 307 mass shootings this year and we are a nation that has more guns than people. The latest count is there are 393,347.000 guns in the U.S.  Of course there are many guns that are not licensed. 

The U.S. has 46% of the firearms in the world. It is important to note that despite Trump's claim that we will be murdered by the immigrants trying to come from Central America that the last three mass shooters were white U.S. males. The statistics are that 36,000 people die by gun violence in the U.S. each year. What is wrong with Trump and his Republican base that they won't allow anything to be done about gun violence? Hopefully,when the Democrats take over the  House of Representatives in January some legislation  will be passed to do something about gun violence in the U.S. Of course Trump pushed by the NRA will try to veto it, I am sure. If Trump had ever had to care for a child dying from a gun shot as I have, he might see guns differently. The power of the NRA is amazing. I  have no problems with guns being used for hunting. My father was raised on a farm and hunting was a way of life. However, he would have certainly wanted to keep guns out of the hands of people with mental illness or those filled with anger looking for revenge. 

Top Silicon Executives and Their Wives are Concerned about iPhones for Children

I saw a small child in a grocery store the other day absorbed with his iPhone. The mother didn't seem to be bothered by his deep concentration with the  iPhone.  If she had read a recent article in the New York Times  by Nellie Bowles, she might have had a second thought.  The author quotes the wife of a Silicon Valley executive who said " If my kids do get it at all (screen time),  they just want it more."  One family only allows  iPhones to be used on long car rides or a plane trip. 

Steve Jobs did not allow his children hardly any screen time. One executive did not allow her children to have cellphones until high school. She limits them at home and and bans  them in the car. It is good to see that these parents are making rules and sticking to them. I'm glad I didn't have to deal with cellphones either with my  children or grandchildren. My grandchildren were not allowed to have them at school and were not too interested in them until they needed them as adults. 

My only concern was for television. My rule was no TV during the week until Friday when the children could chose their favorite dinner and programs. Then we ate together in front of the TV.  I don't think my son even  has a working TV in his house. He and his father never watched sports, although he did play varsity football in high school for a year. I have never enjoyed watching sports on TV and was not raised with a father or brother who watched sports. Books and outside activities were much more interesting. 

Parents and Teenagers

Recently a teenager told me she "didn't like to spend time with her parents." It hurt me to hear her say that since I knew how important the teen was to her mother and father.  As an only child she had never had chores, nor had to wait for anything. Money seemed always to be available to her, even though the parents were not wealthy and worked hard.  She had had one job, but quit after a few days. 

I spent some time thinking about my two children when they were teenagers. We had fun together and worked as a unit, even before I was divorced. Their father was a wonderful doctor but we rarely saw him. His patients loved him.

As kids are growing up, I believe they need to feel they are an important  part of the family. It does not take money to  have special times together. I remember  a mother of two disabled children tell me "We celebrate even the smallest things."  The children loved her deeply.

When parents try to be friends and not parents, I suspect their teenagers don't want  this to happen.They have friends their own age. Instead they want to feel safe, loved and that their parents are in control. They want and need limits. Becoming an adult takes time, though some teens never really grow up. As parents, we need to  help them learn the steps to becoming adults. To do this some time together is needed. We are their role models.  I worry about teens who feel they are already adults and don't need to spend time or listen to their parents. Life is not easy and if they don't learn how to handle difficult situations and make lasting friends, the years ahead may be extremely hard. I  have always valued the time I was able to spend with my two children. Even when they were in college  and working in other cities we kept a close connection. I have  many of their letters in my book Letters Home.