Rx For Parenting Today

If the Virus Has Made a Child Fearful of Going Outside

There was an excellent article in the New York Times on 10/22/20 about children who have had to stay inside so much, because of the pandemic, that they become fearful of going out of their house. After reading the article I thought about what I would do if I had a child like that. If the problem was  severe or didn't resolve quickly, I would want to find a good child psychologist. If not, I think parents can do a great deal to change the situation. 

If a child has become addicted to the TV, game boys, or other devices, my first step would be to turn off the TV, get rid of the various devices, and start finding fun things to do around the house. It is a lot easier to just let children watch TV or play with all of their devices, but it can be very unhealthy. Chores would be a good way to start and a chore chart can help kids know what they need to do and what the rewards will be. 

Making cookies, cakes, fudge or other things can be fun and good training. Puzzles can be lots of fun, as can putting on plays, learning music, or doing  artwork. A dress-up box is a good thing to have and I always had one for my children when they were small and then my grandchildren. There are such wonderful inexpensive art materials now that kids are very lucky. Reading to little ones and even older children can be satisfying to all. 

Decorating for various seasons, such as Halloween, can be a family affair and older children can help their fathers (and some mothers) make things in the garage if the parent is  good with tools.

A ride in the car to pick up a sandwich or something else can get a child outside.  A  walk on the beach  or in a park with masks on and social distancing can be a way to get outside. I am sure as parents you can think of many more things but doing things as a  family can be fun and break the in-house cycle.

Halloween Safety Tips During the Pandemic

Life has certainly changed for all of us during this awful pandemic. For children it must be especially hard since school is not open for many and they can not play with their friends.  Now that Halloween is approaching  parents are going to have to be very creative so their children can look forward to some fun.

If you have a group of friends who are careful about masks and social distancing, you could make some calls and work out a plan where the children can go to their friends' houses during the day and by standing at a distance say "hello" with regulation masks on and costumes. Another thought would be to have a costume show on zoom or similar viewing. Halloween masks would not be safe, so I would have them wear anti-viral masks. 

Pumpkins can still be carved and decorations made for your house. Remember that all costumes should be flame retardant. Making cookies and decorating them can be fun. My children and grandchildren enjoyed putting on fashion shows and plays. They would decide the details and have us as adults for the audience. I was always amazed at their creativity. 

For fashion shows the boys can be the commentators and the girls show the clothes. I remember one fashion show where my granddaughter wore my wedding dress and of course some of my shoes. She still loves beautiful clothes!

Wonderful New Books for Creative Small Children

In these days of the corona virus, I am sure parents of small children are having a difficult time trying to keep their children busy, happy, and away from TV.  I was fortunate to just find out about Bobbi Conner's 3 new books for little children. She is well-know as an author of books for older children but now the little ones have their own books.  They were published in August and are Unplugged Play for Toddlers, Unplugged Play for Preschool and Unplugged Play for Grade School. We are lucky that even if bookstores and libraries are closed that we can order books online. Giving a child the change to express their creativity can have a life-long impact. 

Having spent three, long, hard years in cold and snowy Rochester, New York with two small children I wish I had had her books then. It is amazing what children can do with simple things such as toilet paper rolls, play dough, crayons, and similar things to work with. These do not need to be expensive. 

One thing I remember doing is rolling out white shelf paper and then having the  children' either make  banners or lie down on the paper, so we could make  outlines of their bodies. They then could then fill in details with crayons. I was always amazed at their creativity. Expensive toys are not needed, just a parent's interest, help, and praise.

 

 

"Let Children Be Children"

I was looking through some of the articles and sayings I have saved and thought I would share some of the best. With the pandemic that we now have it must be very hard for parents to survive at home with their children, particularly when so many schools are closed. Perhaps this is a time to re-think what we are doing to little children in our schools. Little ones should be allowed to play and have fun rather than being pushed as many five-year-olds have been and are being.  

Peggy Orenstein wrote an article several years ago about a survey she did of kindergartens in her town. She found that in New York and Los Angeles five-year-olds spent" two or three hours a day being instructed and tested in reading and math."  That is just wrong and dangerous for little children. Most children  that age are not mature enough for this. Yes, there  is an occasional child who is reading by age five, but most want to play and have fun. I have saved a great cartoon that shows two little boys with one saying " I'm so overscheduled. If it weren't for timeouts, I'd have no free time at all." No wonder we have so many kids dropping out of school later on, getting into trouble, or hating school. 

If a child has a learning disability that is not being identified and helped, they can become very stressed, especially if they are pushed to read and do math as five-year-olds.  This is particularly true now that special education has been cut back due to no in- school help. 

If parents are insistent that their children must eventually go to Harvard, Yale or other major universities, they often put far too much pressure on the children to learn at an early age and often be tutored in addition. I  have seen great stress in children whose parents had expectations like this. 

 

Teaching Children Morals and Ethics

In these days of outright lies and half truths, it is important that children are taught what is right and what is wrong. I was fortunate to have a father who was very clear about what was wrong and and what was O.K.. In many ways it was hard when I saw other kids' getting by with lies and doing things I knew were  not right. I realize now that I was very fortunate. I took a course a long time ago at UC San Diego taught by a man at the university. I soon quit the class because the man's definition of morality was "What was appropriate at the time!" I could not stomach that and quit the class as did several others. Sometime later he was involved with a group that the government discovered were doing unethical things.  I don't recall the details but at least he was hopefully stopped from spreading his lies anymore.

When children are caught in outright lies or are doing things to siblings or friends that are hurtful, such as bullying, I hope their parents will take action. If this means taking away a privilege or an allowance, it should be something that will make an impact.  If a child is allowed to go on doing things that are not ethical or are lying, at sometime in their life they will probably be caught. This could mean being expelled from school. a class, a job. or a marriage.

I have seen MDs do things that are not only wrong but dangerous for patients. Yes, there are a lot of outstanding, wonderful caring doctors, but I have a lot of concern about some of the  medical students being admitted to medical schools and graduating with an M.D. Many of these new M.Ds have one concern and that is to make a lot of money. I have actually had students tell me that is their main concern. I wish I had been on the committee that admitted them!

Spoiling a Child May Lead to Problems as an Adult

I realize that most parents want to do all they can for their children. However, if this means the children are given everything they want, have no household chores, and are not taught the steps of independence, then the child could be headed for trouble as a adult. Teaching children skills they will need as an adult when you may not be around is all important. Every child, boys and girls, need to learn how to cook, clean, iron, sew, do household chores, and have compassion for others. I see far foo much bullying, using parents as ATM machines, and not accepting responsibility if they  have made a mistake. When a child goes off to college, they may be very surprised if they don't have parents to take responsibility for them. I spent many Saturdays when I was a Stanford student showing wealthy girls how to wash clothes and iron them when they had a date. They were accustomed to sending  their clothes home for the maids to take care of.

It gives a child a sense of responsibility and of making a contribution to the family if they have chores to do. I had chore charts for my two children, They would check off what they had completed. When all their chores were done, they were give their allowances. This worked out well and even though I had a full-time housekeeper because I was often called out at night the housekeepers helped the children if they had questions. Both became responsible, self-sufficient, caring adults. 

What a Conservative Supreme Court Could do to You and Your Children

It is very scary to think about what could be ahead for families and children. If you are healthy and can afford good health care you may be O.K. However, if you rely on the Affordable Health Care Act to help with yourself or a child with a disability, I fear for your future. The Republicans have been trying every since Trump came into office to take away health care for pre-existing conditions or for individuals who have lost their businesses or their homes. Providing health care for all is not their intent. They seem to care little for anyone with a disability or a  pre-existing condition. A pregnant teenager will have to carry her baby to term if abortions are outlawed and Roe vs. Wade is struck do down. Anything  President Obama achieved is a sore point for Trump and he will do everything he can to get rid of his achievements. This is a sad time to live in the United States. Money and power have become all important and those of us who care about families and children seem to be in the minority or just strange. 

I hope that Nancy Pelosi and the Democrats will find a way to stop Trump and prevent another conservative judge on the Supreme Court, If you care about health care and children, please speak out. 

What a Teenage Pregnancy can do to the Girl's Life and a Child's

Now that it appears  Roe Vs Wade may be overturned with a third conservative Supreme Court judge, I have worries about what will be ahead for pregnant teenagers and their children. When I had own pediatric practice, I cared for many pregnant teenagers. Fortunately, these were girls from families that could afford to pay for an abortion and the obstetricians were able to do them. 

Now that there is such a terrible political and religious division in our country, abortions are difficult for teenagers to get, particularly if they are poor. Children  will be born into homes where these mothers will be lacking in maturity with no idea how to raise a child. Raising a child, even if you have a partner or a husband and an adequate income, is difficult. 

I have known children of teenage mothers who have to fight hard to have happy lives.  Getting to know some of these individuals as adults I have seen how they appear to be outgoing and successful, but under their exterior is a terrible feeling of inadequacy and a fear of letting anyone get close enough to see the great turmoil and ugliness they feel inside. That is a terrible legacy to give a child. 

I do not understand how so-called caring, religious people can hurt mothers and children like this. Having a great number of children, as one potential judge has, can be hard on the older children. I know families where the older girls had to be in charge of the younger children and grew up far too fast. One wonderful young woman said she vowed never to have children because she felt she had already raised her eight brothers and sisters. Instead she became an outstanding psychiatric social worker. Another large family had four of the children get involved with drugs and all had to go through drug treatment. 

Having a child should be a serious, well thought-out decision. If as a parent you have not become an adult yourself or have so many children you cannot give  each one the time they need, I believe that is just wrong. Children are special and they are our future.

Having a Baby during the Corona Virus Pandemic

I was remembering tonight what I felt like when I was having my first baby and cannot imagine what parents must be feeling if their baby is due in the next few months. I don't see this terrible virus being controlled any time soon because of Trump's terrible and incompetent leadership. If a baby is due this month or in the next few months, I think parents need to check to be sure the doctor and hospital they choose is being strict about masks, social distancing, and proper protective equipment. If you are near a big city that is good because most big hospitals will hopefully be doing a good job of protecting their staff and patients.  I would do a lot of networking, ask a lot of questions, and be sure that you have a back-up plan if you need to change hospitals or have any sudden problem such as a premature birth, a placenta previa, or unusual bleeding. 

Most hospitals are not allowing partners or husbands to be in the hospital now when a baby is born, so it is important that you can connect with a cell phone or be able to text. I remember when my daughter was born on September 21st in Stockton, California  and my husband left for a while to visit with old friends. It was a scary time because I was in labor and badly needed support. That was before we had cell phones and other ways to connect electronically. I was lucky to have a caring, competent obstetrician, so I made it through O.K. Now that mothers and babies are sent home after a day or so, plans need to be made for some help at home and the refrigerator stocked. I was a navy doctor's wife at that time and we were being transferred to Pensacola, Florida. Jennifer was due August 29th but the delay in her birth meant I was never able to go back to our little house on the Navy base, but instead was taken to a friend's house and then had a long drive to my parents house in southern California while my husband went on to Pensacola for flight training.  I am relating this to show that the best laid plans can change and you need to be prepared for this. Having a good support system is a must and having things in order at your house or apartment is important. That is even more true now because of the  pandemic.   

Giving Children with Disabilities the Best Possible Life

Having cared for children with disabilities for many years, I have seen some marvelous parents and some who did not even try to be parents.  One mother whose daughter I was examining in a clinic said "The day she was born was the worst day of my life."  The little girl was sitting right there and heard what her  mother said. I wonder how she interpreted it. The child had spina bifida which is a multisystem disorder and one that can overwhelm any parent. A loving parent or parents can make the difference  in a child's life but watching the interaction between this mother and child I suspected rocky times were ahead. Children with spina bifida usually have to  have several surgeries and  also have problems with bladder, bowel and  learning. However, with good surgeries, good education, and loving supportive parents, they can do very well.  Their early years are important and if they can gradually learn how to become independent and have good schooling, that is important.  

I have found many children with disabilities become quite manipulative to get good care, so limits, firm discipline, and chores and not spoiling them can make a difference. They must know that they are loved and treated as normally as possible. Finding a physician or clinic where good care is available can be difficult, but possible. 

On wonderful mother who adopted several children with disabilities said to me "We have celebrations about even little things." How lucky those children were to have a parent like that.  Teaching  children how to make wise choices as they grow up is important. The children often face bullying in and out of school and  need to be taught how to handle this. Now with social media this can be even more of a problem. Each child is precious and should be give the best possible quality of life.