Rx For Parenting Today

Why Children Get Upset or Irritable

It must be very hard in these long days of staying inside because of the terrible virus to keep small children and toddlers happy. In my parenting book,  Prescription (Rx)for Parenting, I give lots of examples why children get upset and ways to keep them happy.  One problem, which is easy to solve, is that a hungry child can be an irritable child. Also if a child is allergic and given food or milk that does not agree with him or her, that can be a cause of irritability. A tired child or one in a in a position or situation that is uncomfortable may become irritable or upset. If a  child is overstimulated he or she will let you know by crying or throwing something. A little one who is dressed too warmly,  is cold, or has dirty diapers will also let you know by crying or being upset. 

A reaction to medicine, feeling lonely and needing a hug can be a reason for  crying  and needing attention. It is important that little ones have regular bedtimes, know the rules, and don' t have to try to sleep when there is a noisy radio or TV on in the house or people making a lot of noise.  Some children need a lot quiet and don't react well to loud noises. If parents argue or are in the middle of a divorce, a child may sense something is very wrong and react to it. If  there is  something like  an emotional problem, some medical help may be needed.  A bored child will let you know and some fun games or other activities will be needed. 

Special Thoughts for Parents

I was going through some old parenting information and found one of my favorite pages. It is by Marion Kinneman. I will give just a few of her sayings. The first is "Blessed are the parents who make peace with spilled milk and mud."  Then "Blessed is the parent who engages not in comparison of his (or her) child with others: for precious unto each is the rhythm of his or (her) own growth." Then "Blessed and mature are those parents who without anger can say no, for comforting to the child is the security of firm decisions." "Blessed is the gift of consistency, for it is heart's ease in childhood." Blessed are they who accept the awkwardness of growth."

In this very difficult time when we cannot even have large family Thanksgivings because of the corona virus, it must be  so hard to have children  and teenagers. Being a parent in normal things and doing a good job is not easy  but between the terrible administration we have right now and the virus, my heart goes out to all parents and grandparents. 

I am sure we will all get through this, but how glad I am that my grandchildren are not little ones and are both busy and happy, Yes, they do wear masks and are very careful about social distancing and crowds. I worry when I see groups of teens all together with no masks and older people in groups also without masks. What are they thinking? Their lack of caring for themselves and others appalls me. 

 

Online Learning can Create Long-Term Problems

I agree with Dr. Fauci that we need to get kids back in school as soon as we can be sure they will be safe. A child from an affluent home who has a computer and parents who can help if there is a problem are much better off than those in poor homes with no computer and parents lining up at food banks or trying to get to their jobs. 

Even children from affluent homes are at a disadvantage if all their school work is done on a computer. Several studies have been published showing that  children need to learn cursive or how to write by hand. Writing cursive helps children retain facts better than if they just see them on a computer. One study showed that children "with fine-motor  writing skills early on did better later on". Another study showed that kids retain information much better if they have to take notes or  write down information. I always took a lot of notes when I was in school, college, or medical school. I often just studied the notes when I needed to prepare for a test. I still take notes about things I want to remember and use a computer only for e-mails, book chapters, Google etc.

If I had children at home now I would insist on as little computer time as possible. If a child had to do on-line learning, I would be sure a lot of time was not being spent on social media sites, sexting, and e-mailing friends. Some children are having headaches, eye strain and other medical problems from overusing their computers. 

Teaching your Children to Have Concern for Those Less Fortunate

I feel very fortunate growing up in a small college town where money was not the focus. Instead, education and the work ethic were. Only one of my group of friends had an affluent parent and she was good about not talking about it. (Her father was a realtor and owned orange groves.) She was also the only one given a car as a teenager. Wearing expensive clothes or going shopping for non-essentials was not something we did.  Now it seems to be the norm among many families for their children to be given anything they ask for and having part-time or after school jobs is not usual for many kids. 

I think some of the best lessons I learned about people was waiting table in a small local college inn and one summer in a busy restaurant. I remember buying  my clothes to go to Stanford with the tips I received. I also waited table in my Stanford dorm dining room where many of the girls had never worked and sent their dirty clothes home each week for the maid to wash. That was an eye-opening experience for me.  Both of my children had summer jobs and also received an allowance when they had completed their weekly chores. Now I see kids given gold credit card and cars when they reached the age they can drive. Household chores and summer jobs are also not the norm for many. 

When you have never had to worry about money or had a job, how do you learn  what it means to be poor, homeless, or to work? Now with this terrible pandemic, thousands are hungry and having to go to food banks. The news  shows some people arriving in expensive cars to pick up food.

With the many evictions that are occurring, people losing their jobs, and no help in sight I wonder if some of those accustomed to money will learn anything from this terrible crisis?  This could be a time when many kids will need to learn about a different way to live.

Distant Learning is not Working for Children with Disabilities

With the schools mostly closed and on-line learning in place instead, it takes an unusually  bright, studious student or parents who have time to help with daily assignments. Children with mental health issues or anxiety have a particularly hard time. Those with speech problems need one-to-one help with a speech therapist which is not happening.  Teenagers who do not like school anyway may stop trying to complete assignments. Many students are going to lose a lot of time and be far behind where they should be. If there is a language barrier, a student can have an even harder time and may just give up. 

I am hoping that many schools have hot-lines where special education teachers can respond to questions. I have not seen this happening locally. The PACER organization is doing and has done a remarkable job in helping parents who have a child with a disability. If as a parent you are facing difficulties with your child's  school program I would suggest contacting them. They may be able to help. Their website is PACER.org/stc/consultations/index/asp. 

Problems Feeding Children

I have been told by many medical students and residents that I am the only doctor that have ever heard take a diet history when doing a history and physical on a patient. Because many physicians in HMOs are limited to the amount of time they give a patient that may be understandable. Also I do not remember any discussion of food when I was a medical student. I had to earn about feeding children when I had my two children. 

Now that gluten-free foods are so much in vogue, I think pediatricians, in particular, need to check on what a child is being fed. Sadly, I do not see that happening very often. A gluten-free diet is essential if a child has celiac disease, but this occurs in only about one percent of the population. A gluten-free diet for a child who does not have celiac disease can be harmful because it means the boy or girl will not get adequate protein, but will get an increase in fat and calories. Also a lot of the needed vitamins and minerals will be missed. 

One of the other fads now that some parents are following is giving their children only raw foods. This may include raw or unpasteurized milk, yogurt, or cheese. One two-year-old was given just raw vegetables and didn't chew them well so ended up with a piece of carrot in his lungs. This meant a trip to the hospital for surgery. Other parents follow a fruit diet which  makes no sense either. There are Blogs and support groups that advocate all these poor and unhealthy diets. 

Another consideration for these unusual diets is that children  may not be able to eat school lunches, go to birthday day parties, or other social events. I can see that there could be teasing or bullying for being so different.  Children have  a hard enough time these days just growing up with the pandemic, divorces, and other problems that adding a food problem to their lives makes little sense. 

Tips I Wish All Parents Knew

I loved being in private pediatric practice and still hear from many old  patients and their parents. However, today I think it  would be hard to practice the way I did because times have changed so much. Many parents seem to feel they know  more than their parents or even their doctors. One of the most important thing I wish all parents knew is that time spent with parents is much more important  than material things. The other equally important tip is that time to play and just be a child is of major importance. I remember the father who told me that he and his wife drove 20 miles each day to put their two-year-old in a special program located at San Diego State because they wanted to be sure he was accepted at Harvard. Some children don't want to go to college and should not but would  love to go to art school, trade school or get a job. Every child should be allowed to follow his or her own path or dreams. 

Many children today are scheduled for too many lessons, sports, other activities  and play dates. Every minutes  is accounted for. One teenager told me he hated his private school and he had no time for himself. What he really wanted to do was tinker with an old car. Some parents give their teens a credit card and a car at age 16. Yet most do not have the judgment and maturity to handle this. That is why there is such a high accident rate with teenage drivers. 

Some parents hover other their children so much, the kids have no time to breathe. They check on their school assignments and monitor every move.

Constant praise is the norm for many children. Yes, you note accomplishments but every thing a child does should not require constant praise. There will be  bumpy times ahead when children must be able to handle problems. Bad times come to all of us.  

If the Virus Has Made a Child Fearful of Going Outside

There was an excellent article in the New York Times on 10/22/20 about children who have had to stay inside so much, because of the pandemic, that they become fearful of going out of their house. After reading the article I thought about what I would do if I had a child like that. If the problem was  severe or didn't resolve quickly, I would want to find a good child psychologist. If not, I think parents can do a great deal to change the situation. 

If a child has become addicted to the TV, game boys, or other devices, my first step would be to turn off the TV, get rid of the various devices, and start finding fun things to do around the house. It is a lot easier to just let children watch TV or play with all of their devices, but it can be very unhealthy. Chores would be a good way to start and a chore chart can help kids know what they need to do and what the rewards will be. 

Making cookies, cakes, fudge or other things can be fun and good training. Puzzles can be lots of fun, as can putting on plays, learning music, or doing  artwork. A dress-up box is a good thing to have and I always had one for my children when they were small and then my grandchildren. There are such wonderful inexpensive art materials now that kids are very lucky. Reading to little ones and even older children can be satisfying to all. 

Decorating for various seasons, such as Halloween, can be a family affair and older children can help their fathers (and some mothers) make things in the garage if the parent is  good with tools.

A ride in the car to pick up a sandwich or something else can get a child outside.  A  walk on the beach  or in a park with masks on and social distancing can be a way to get outside. I am sure as parents you can think of many more things but doing things as a  family can be fun and break the in-house cycle.

Halloween Safety Tips During the Pandemic

Life has certainly changed for all of us during this awful pandemic. For children it must be especially hard since school is not open for many and they can not play with their friends.  Now that Halloween is approaching  parents are going to have to be very creative so their children can look forward to some fun.

If you have a group of friends who are careful about masks and social distancing, you could make some calls and work out a plan where the children can go to their friends' houses during the day and by standing at a distance say "hello" with regulation masks on and costumes. Another thought would be to have a costume show on zoom or similar viewing. Halloween masks would not be safe, so I would have them wear anti-viral masks. 

Pumpkins can still be carved and decorations made for your house. Remember that all costumes should be flame retardant. Making cookies and decorating them can be fun. My children and grandchildren enjoyed putting on fashion shows and plays. They would decide the details and have us as adults for the audience. I was always amazed at their creativity. 

For fashion shows the boys can be the commentators and the girls show the clothes. I remember one fashion show where my granddaughter wore my wedding dress and of course some of my shoes. She still loves beautiful clothes!

Wonderful New Books for Creative Small Children

In these days of the corona virus, I am sure parents of small children are having a difficult time trying to keep their children busy, happy, and away from TV.  I was fortunate to just find out about Bobbi Conner's 3 new books for little children. She is well-know as an author of books for older children but now the little ones have their own books.  They were published in August and are Unplugged Play for Toddlers, Unplugged Play for Preschool and Unplugged Play for Grade School. We are lucky that even if bookstores and libraries are closed that we can order books online. Giving a child the change to express their creativity can have a life-long impact. 

Having spent three, long, hard years in cold and snowy Rochester, New York with two small children I wish I had had her books then. It is amazing what children can do with simple things such as toilet paper rolls, play dough, crayons, and similar things to work with. These do not need to be expensive. 

One thing I remember doing is rolling out white shelf paper and then having the  children' either make  banners or lie down on the paper, so we could make  outlines of their bodies. They then could then fill in details with crayons. I was always amazed at their creativity. Expensive toys are not needed, just a parent's interest, help, and praise.