Rx For Parenting Today

The Great Harm of Overscheduling Kids

Childhood should be a time to play, to learn, and grow. If every minute is planned by  parents, how can children have any quality of life? The early years are particularly important for children to  have time to dream, to chase butterflies, to experience nature, and to just "be". Walt Disney was said to be a lonely child who found comfort in the animals on the family's farm. If he had been pushed hard and tutored, so he could qualify for a place at Yale or Harvard, where would all the wonderful fantasy be that he created? Creativity is an important quality that seems to be ignored by many pushing, affluent parents who want their children to be lawyers, doctors, or hedge fund managers. Money has become so important in this country that private tutors, lessons of all kinds, and intense pressure to achieve are the norm in many families.

My son  was an actor for five years in England, Ireland and New York and people are always amazed when I say I was sad when he decided to become a doctor. His reasoning was that he could not make a living as an actor and he eventually wanted  to marry and have  children. He was a wonderful actor and is a great doctor, but acting was his passion. I encouraged both my son and his sister to do what they wanted with their lives. My daughter started a program to find jobs for teens with disabilities and also did wonderful art before she died of cancer. I am so glad she got to see her art exhibited in several galleries.

With all the  pressure that many parents are putting on their chidldren to succeed, medication is becoming an important part of the pressure. The consequence of this is that colleges are increasing seeing students commit suicide. University of Pennsylvania had six suicides in 13 months and other prestigious colleges are having the same problem with some of their students. When I visited my grandson, as a freshman at New York University, he showed me the big college library where several students had jumped from a fifth story balcony to their death. What a terrible tragedy for the families and friends and the students. Parents who are putting great pressure on their children to  succeed might want to think about how much fun time and free time their children actually have and eliminate some of the lessons and pressure to achieve.

 

Finding Good Childcare

Now that summer is coming to an end and many parents are returning to their jobs, finding someone or some place to care for their children is a priority. How fortunate parents are who have nearby relatives to help out or the same childcare person the whole time their children are growing up. I have a doctor friend who had the same woman care for her children all the years until the children went off to college. I wonder if she has any idea what the rest of us went through to keep our children safe and well cared for? 

It is important to do a lot of research and networking to find either a good caretaker for a small child or a good childcare place where children are cared for. Background checks, references, chest X-rays for tuberculosis and fingerprinting are all things to think about. Most licensed childcare places do this, but it is important to check. Remember that references can be forged or given by a good friend of the applicant's. I had one woman with excellent references care for my small child, but it turned out she did not believe in medical care and had a convulsion or seizure on the first day in our home. Fortunately, my son was asleep in his bed and the upstairs neighbor called and said I should come home immediately. Always having a relative or friend stop in when someone new is caring for your children is important, as is stopping by a childcare place two or three times before deciding to place a child there. You can never too careful when children are concerned.

Health departments usually offer chest X-rays and police stations should provide finger printing. I had to learn about all of these precautions the hard way having had a babysitter with a recent history of TB and another one who had an outstanding arrest warrant in another city. She was good with the children and a great cook, but she didn't last too long when I discovered she was wanted by the police! Fortunately, my office was nearby and the children were safe, so no harm was done, but those were scary times. I was not lucky enough to have any relatives ever living close by, but with a good support system of friends when I was a divorced, single mother, my children and I survived. I think all these hard lessons helped other parents and also provided a lot of the information available in my two new parenting books.

 

Rx for Bullying

Now that school is starting or about to start in most places, the detection and treatment of bullying is important. The Justice Department has reported that one out of four children is bullied and kids themselves can be bullies. Bullying can occur at school, on the way to school or on the Internet. There is both racial bullying and sexual bullying. Bullying can be by making nasty comments or hitting, kicking or other types of violence. If a child starts school and comes home with torn clothes, looks frightened or does not want to return to school, something needs to be done.  A child may be afraid to tell his or her parents that bullying is occurring because of the threats a bully has made. Spending time helping in a classroom or on a playground may  provide insight to what is going on, as well as talking to school personnel and other parents. It is important that action be taken right away to stop the bullying because it has been shown that bullying can have long-term effects. Also, some kids who have been badly bullied have committed suicide. Even parents have been found to be part of the bullying in some cases.

Students with physical and developmental disabilities and even those with allergies are at an increased risk of being bullied. Autistic children or those in the group of autism spectrum disorders often have difficulty with communication and making friends and this puts them at particular risk to be bullied. 

Because of the  easy access to guns in the U.S., a gun can become a great threat to those who are bullied. The statistics are that 100,000 students now carry a gun to school and 28% of those who carry weapons have seen violence in their own homes. A bully may need to hurt others, as he or she has been hurt or have a need to feel in control, when they may have little control in their own homes. 

If as a parent you feel your child is being bullied and the school will not help, then help may be possible from your police department. A good counselor or child psychologist may also be able to help, but please take action if you sense bullying is going on with one of your children.

 

Teaching Children How to Respond to an Emergency

Even little children can be taught to respond to an emergency. They can be taught to press 911 on a regular phone or cell phone, even as a three or four-year-old.  Knowing when to call for help is important and talking about possible emergencies is a start. If for example, children are visiting  a grandparent and one  has a bad fall or stroke, a fire starts, or a convulsion or seizure happens,  a small child  can be taught that something is wrong and to take action. I can remember as a fifth grader being on a school, concrete playground when a girl was running, fell, and hit her head. There were strangely no adults around and when I saw blood and the girl turning pale, I ran inside to find an adult. The other kids were frightened and just stood around doing nothing.

As children get older, they can be put in situations where an emergency occurs and they need to be prepared. One teenager was at a party where no adults were present, there was little food, but lots of alcohol. The youth saw a friend begin to turn blue and he yelled for someone to call 911 while he did CPR. Both of his parents were doctors and had taught him about emergencies. How lucky the  friend was whose life he probably saved. If drugs are being used or passed around, it is very important that teenagers know what to do. Guns can also present major problems for both little and older kids. Knowing how to put pressure on a wound, even when and how to apply a tourniquet if needed or other first-aid treatments can be life-saving. It is important not to make children fearful, but by giving them some basic knowledge of first-aid, the life they save could be a parent's. One little girl ran to a near-by fire station when her father became unresponsive. She knew he was in trouble and her action saved his life.

Parenting an Allergic Child

Some children right from infancy will show signs of being allergic and if one or both parents are allergic this is something to think about and take preventive measures. I was married to a man who had  fairly severe hayfever and asthma and  so I was always careful right from the beginning to watch for signs of allergy in my two children. Cows milk can cause a lot of problems with some babies and even soy milk may be a problem. Baby products, such as soaps, creams and powers, as well as detergents can wreck havoc on some allergic babies' skin. Breast feeding, if this is possible, is the best for allergic babies, but no mother should feel guilty if this is not possible. A good nursing consultant can often help if there are problems nursing. A pediatric allergist is a life saver for chidlren who are allergic, but delaying the introduction of foods, such as eggs, citrus, wheat, fish, nuts, and chocolate is wise.  Many children outgrow their allergies, but a lot can be done to keep allergic kids happy and healthy. For a highly allergic child, carrying an Epipen is a must and alerting relatives, friends and schools to the child's allergies can be life-saving.  The Food Allergy and Anaphylaxis Network will provide information and pamphlets. The website is www.foodallergy.org. Traveling and eating out can be a challenge, as can sending a child off to camp. However, with carefully following  a pediatric allergist instructions, kids should be able to have happy, healthy childhoods.  Also, wearing a MedicAlert bracelet listing specific allergies may be life-saving. A number is provided where information  will be given. Cats and dogs can be a source of allergies, as can dust and pollens and cigarette smoke.  Becoming knowledgable about what can cause problems can  make a difference in an allergic child's life.

 

 

Handling Kids Who Are Behavior Problems

Every child will be naughty from time to time and if a child is too well behaved, I would be concerned. Some behavior is attention getting, some kids who misbehave have medical  problems and  there can also be a psychiatric basis for a child who is out of control. Most children just want to know they are loved and want to feel secure.  If parents are unable to establish limits and stick to them, a child can become anxious, feel very insecure and may then act out.

Spending some daily one-to-one time with a child and having some real fun can often make the difference in a child's behavior. I found in raising my children and helping to raise my grandchildren that a ride in the car is a good time to talk, as is going for a walk, or having some ice cream together.   Tucking a little child in bed and talking for a while is another good time to find out what is going on in a child's mind.  Also, finding out what a child wants to do, not what you want them to do or be is important. Far too many  parents these days try to plan their children's lives and then don't understand why their children are unhappy and act out. Really listening to kids is important rather than doing all of the talking. I have had kids say to me that they wish their parents would act like parents, give them limits, and not try to be their friends. A lot of love can cure many problems.

Teenagers, Medications, Guns, and Suicide

Social pressure from peers and parents among teenagers drives far too young people many to suicide. Then with the availability of guns, American teens are at far greater risk than those in other countries. The relentless pressure on teens to perform both in school, in sports and socially can be overwhelming. What often is overlooked and discussed in an article by Richard Friedman in the 8/13/15 New York Times is the presence of an underlying depression or mental illness. Far too many parents are in denial about these problems in one or more of their children and by ignoring the problem, hope it will just go away. According to the author of the article "At least 90% of people who commit suicide have {or had} a diagnosable and potentially treatable mental illness like depression, or alcohol or other drug abuse problems, often in combination."

Then if treatment is not received and a gun is available, suicide often seems a good out. In states that have laws requiring a permit to buy a gun, registration of hand guns, or a license to own a handgun, there are lower rates of suicide. So if we could have early identification of a child with mental health problems and given them help, plus have have better gun control, we could save many of our kids. 

How To Find the Best Pediatrician

I hear many complaints these days about pediatricians from parents and grandparents. Many parents tell me their pediatricians and family doctors just prescribe medicine, give shots, and that is it. Where are the doctors who get to know their families and discuss parenting? There are still some in the U.S., but a search may be necessary. Several questions may help you locate a good doctor. I would want to be sure the M.D. is board-certified which means he or she has the necessary training and has passed written and oral examinations. You want to be sure the doctor will see your child in an emergency and not just refer you to an ER. Then, does the doctor see all his or her patients or let a nurse practitioner see some without his or her input? Can you speak to the doctor if you need to and does he or she always see a child before prescribing antibiotics. This is an extremely important question to ask because a serious illness can be missed if a child is not seen when he or she is ill. I would find out also what hospital the doctor uses and what insurance he or she accepts. Also who covers for the doctor when he or she is not on call? I would want to know whether those individuals are also M.Ds and board-certified. A visit to the office will tell you if it is clean, comfortable, and if the staff are pleasant.

 

Preventable Tragedies in Children

Losing a child can be one of the most painful, long-lasting experiences that can happen to a parent, but a parent's  common sense can help prevent a lot of tragedies. There are some, such as genetic disorders, that parents can not control, unless they know they carry a lethal gene.

One of the most preventable tragedies is leaving a child locked in a car on a hot day. The statistics are that 37 children die each year from heatstroke deaths. One father rushed off to work and forgot his child was locked in the car. So even though it can be stressful working and being a parent, always look in the back of the car and keep it locked if it is in the garage or driveway. Open windows that a child can slip through can lead to danger, particularly with an autistic child or in a hotel where the family room is on a floor high above the ground. Lakes, swimming pools and even fishponds can be sources of danger. Bicycles and skateboards used without helmets can be dangerous. One tragedy that is heart-breaking is when a parent backs a car out of a driveway and does not see a small child playing there.  Such a death forever changes a family's life.

Headaches in Children

When a child complains that his or her head is hurting, it is important to look for common causes before  letting a doctor to order all kinds of tests. I would want to check if a child has a fever and if there is a runny nose or cough, is an ear or sinus infection present? If immunizations have not been given, are there any signs of a rash or stiff neck?  Childhood diseases can have severe side effects which is why immunizations are so important.  Parents who decide they know better than scientists and don't allow their children to have immunizations may pay a high price, as may their children.

 Another cause of headaches can be problems seeing and a pediatric eye doctor will need to be seen. If a child sits close to the TV or holds books up close to their eyes, this can be a clue. Allergies, as to chocolate, nuts, fish, wheat, eggs and other things, can cause headaches, Migraines do occur in children and need special medicine and probably a doctor who specializes in childhood headaches.  

Yes, children do get brain tumors, so a CT scan or MRI may be needed, but looking  for usual causes makes the most sense. Too often young doctors these days are not taught about how to take care of common childhood illness and ER doctors  may have little training in common childhood illnesses.