Rx For Parenting Today

Teenagers and Alcohol and Drugs

Parenting teens can be hard work, particularly if money is plentiful, the parents are both working and busy, and the kids have little supervision. Both public and private school students have easy access to drugs. According to the excellent organization, MAAD, if a teen uses alcohol or drugs, he or she has a five percent increased chance of dropping out of school.  They also say that one-fourth of car crashes are due to underage drinking,  forty percent of tenth graders have had some alcohol, and one in ten teens binge drink. Many  French parents give their small children a little taste of alcohol and then increase the amount as they get older, so the kids don't use alcohol to get drunk, but it is just part of the meal. They learn to know good wine from bad wine. French families make meals important and they don't live on fast food, as do many American families. Conversation too, is important and I don't image that cell phones are allowed at the dinner table, as they often are in America. We can learn a lot from French family interactions, I think. 

Drugs play far too big a part among poor children, because they can be a money source, if they are sold and living in poverty certainly would make a teen more open to becoming numb with drugs. The statistics are that by 12th grade at least one-half of students have tried drugs at least once and 23% have tried marijuana. If parents don't keep their kids busy with chores, activities, and home work and the teens are not supervised, then trouble may be ahead. I don't believe any teen should come home to an empty house. College students may be available to come in after school and retired teachers and others often would love to be available. We had a wonderful retired teacher live with us when I was divorced and she became a favorite grandmother. Another woman was a painter and taught the children a great deal about the real world and how hard it was to earn a living. Her untimely death from cancer made a lasting impression on both children. Teens want and need limits and they can play an important part in a family if parents talk with them, get to know who they are, and allow them to pursue their passions, not that of the parents.

 

Raising Teenagers

Raising a cute little boy or girl is far different from raising a teenager. Some teens get through these years without problems, but some try to push every boundary or limit. The time to establish who is in charge is when the children are small. Once teens decide they are in charge, not their parents, then troubles lie ahead. Teens want and need limits and boundaries. They don't want to be in charge of the family. I have had many teenage patients say, " I wish my parents would set limits and stand by them. Then I will know what I can do." Also, if they have limits it allows teens to get out of difficult situations, as for example kids causing problems, taking drugs, or even robbing a 7/11. If a teen can say " My parents would kill me if I did that", it gives them an out.

I think it is extremely important for parents to get to know the parents of their children's friends. I can remember one father, who worried me when my daughter was a teenager. The things I heard from my daughter when she was visiting her friend made me realize that a change was needed. We moved from our small rental to a house across town and the friend was always welcome at our house, but Jennifer did not go to theirs, because there was no easy way to get there, unless I took her.

When a teenager is invited to a party, it is a good idea to be sure the parents will be present. I remember one party where my son said the parents were not there, yet most of the kids spent the night. There was lots of alcohol, but little food. Geoffrey came home when I asked him to which he said gave him an out for not staying all night, as the other teens did. He said he was glad he had an excuse to leave!

I can remember going to a dinner party where there were  mostly doctors and their wives. At one point,  several guests started discussing their teenage children and their friends. They said some pretty awful things about the kids and when there was a moment of quiet, I spoke up and said " I really enjoy my teenage children and their friends." I was never invited back to that particular house.

Hiring Nannies and Au Pairs

I talked to a friend yesterday who brought me up-to-date about her family. Her husband's son and his wife had just had premature twins and hired an Au Pair from overseas. The woman had recently worked with migrant families. This immediately led me to ask if the woman had had a chest X-ray, medical exam and even a test for parasites. Bringing someone into the household who has worked in a migrant camp could mean she was exposed to all kinds of things. If an au pair is hired through an accredited agent, they should have had  fingerprints checked, a complete medical examination and a chest X-ray. However, if they are just recommended by a friend, there could be trouble.

I told my friend of the nanny I hired when my second child was a baby. I had carefully checked her references and her medical history. What I did not realize was that all her references were from people who because of their religious beliefs would not see doctors or take any medicine.  Fortunately, I had a wonderful neighbor in the flat above ours and after two to three days, my friend called and said, "I think you should come home right away. Something is wrong with the woman taking care of the children." I arrived home in ten minutes to find butter and cereal all over the kitchen floor. Fortunately, my little girl was playing quietly and her three months-old brother was asleep in his crib. The baby sitter or nanny seemed confused. I asked who her doctor was and she said she just needed to go to a friend's house. I asked my neighbor to take care of the children and drove the woman to her friend's house. Later, I discovered that the woman had a seizure disorder and would not take any medicine for it. She apparently had had a seizure and could have been holding the baby in her arms. How lucky we were. The woman actually called a week later saying she was ready to come back to work! 

I have heard of other bad experiences with baby sitters, nannies, and au pairs, so you have to be very careful when choosing someone to care for children. I would always insist on a chest X-ray, a letter or note from the individual's doctor and finger printing. Finger printing can usually be done at a police department. You may think this is being overly cautious, but I don't think you can ever be too safe with children. I would also have a friend drop by after a day or so to check on how things are going and be sure he or she has numbers where you can be reached.

Suggestions for Mothers with a Newborn in Intensive Care

When a newborn is immediately put in an neonatal intensive care unit, a parent's first response is usually fear, then anger, and often depression. Because mothers are often kept just a few hours or overnight these days in the hospital after giving birth, going home without their baby is extremely  painful to handle. No matter how supportive a partner or husband may be, a mother has to be the one to find the way to handle her fear and grief. Yes, the father has to do this also, but since he has not gone through a usually painful delivery, his body can handle the stress and fear a little more easily. If a baby is born with a disability, the pain and fear is usually even greater. Many mothers, in particular, often spend almost every waking hour by their baby's' bed. This may make them feel better, but if they don't  get enough sleep, food, or exercise, the days can become impossible. 

The suggestions I have made over the years to the many mothers of babies I have cared for is to be good to themselves, eat regularly, allow themselves to grieve at least for a few minutes every so often and if necessary go some place where they can scream, hit pillows or express their anger. If someone can sit by the baby for a little while to give the mother a break, that can help immensely. Some relaxation tapes or music can also help. A little pampering with some deep, soothing baths, a massage, some flowers or a good book can also help. I always insisted that mothers plan one or two hours a week when they were completely away from their baby and the hospital. Some daily exercise can also make a difference. 

There will be many people who will want to help and if it is doing  grocery shopping, providing a hot meal, or just sitting by the baby, their support will be invaluable. However, people who want to help should give the help that is needed.. Too many phone calls and interruptions will not be helpful. By eliminating unnecessary tasks and streamlining things as much as possible, the days will seem shorter. A sparkling clean house, baking and tasty meals can all go by the wayside for a while. A parents' support group can offer invaluable help, but they need to know the help that is needed.

Tips about Adopting a Child

I spoke to a long-time friend yesterday about what the most important things were to share with parents thinking about adoption. She was adopted at eight weeks by a middle class, older working couple and although they were loving parents, my friend has always had a feeling of abandonment. This is despite a long, happy marriage, lots of travel and teaching for many years. She said the most important thing for parents to know was that they should tell a child he or she was adopted, as soon as they are old enough to understand. She can remember being in a judge's chambers for signing of the final adoption papers. Her r parents did tell her she was "chosen" when she was little. 

The other thing my friend said was to find out as much as possible about the family and medical history of the birth parents. She has been unable to do that, but did know that her birth parents had one child, then gave her away when she was born , and later had a third child. No wonder she feels abandoned. If a child is adopted from overseas, it is even more important to find out about the medical history, not only of the family, but also the child. I would always insist  that a child to be adopted have a good physical examination by a pediatrician, a TB test, immunizations brought up to date,  a urinalysis, and blood count. It has long been known that adopted children have a higher incidence of problems, such as learning disabilities. 

When I was in private pediatric practice, i had two parents who tried to handle a difficult two-year-old they had adopted. Finally, they gave up and took the child back to the adoption agency. If a private adoption is arranged through an attorney, it is very important that the lawyer have the best credentials and lots of experience with adoptions. Otherwise, the birth parents could file a lawsuit saying they wanted the child back. There are several agencies that can help with adoptions. Some are private and some are state agencies. A good website at AdoptUSKids has considerable information that might be helpful. 

 

Helping Children Handle Fears

Some children seem naturally timid and fearful. Others with ADHD have an increased incidence of anxiety which can turn into real fears. The most important thing for parents and family members is to not make fun of fears, but to try and find a way to help. Nighttime can be a particularly difficult time and a night light, stars on the bedroom ceiling that glow and soft music or a parent's voice reading a story can all help.

Noisy vacuum cleaners, sirens, and other sudden noises can be difficult for some children. I remember when my grandson was three, he disliked the noise of fire engines. By taking him to a fire station and the nice firemen letting  him climb up on to a fire truck was all it took for him to outgrow that fear. The firemen could not have been nicer or more helpful.

The bathtub is a scary place for some children and bubble bath and bath toys may help banish that fear.

Native American dream catchers can often help with nighttime fears. A dream catcher over a child's bed is said to screen out bad dreams and just let the good dreams come through. Putting the dream catcher up with a story about it can help a child decide that his or her dreams will be happy ones. I found a lovely children's s book one day about dream catchers and I am sure a similar book is available today.

Sometimes having a child draw his or her fear or talking about it can help. If simple things don't help, then a child psychologist or therapist would be the next answer. Remember, too, that one or more anxious parents can often cause a child to be anxious. 

Safety for Children in Parking Lots and Driveways

Children are usually natural explorers and big parking lots and driveways can be extremely dangerous. One grandmother was walking in a parking lot with her three-year-old grandson when he suddenly broke away.  A car was coming toward them, so the woman screamed and the driver stopped just before he would have hit the little boy. After that the grandmother made her grandson promise to never to run away like that again. She was terrified.

I was recently coming out of a small store when I saw a little child heading toward the busy driveway of the big parking lot. A woman, who I thought was probably the mother, was looking in her big SUV and completely ignoring the child. I called to her, but she didn't seem to hear me,  so I held out my arms and gradually persuaded the child to go back to his mother. At last the woman looked up, having no idea that her little boy could easily have been killed by a moving car.

When my daughter was about two, she was an active climber and the only thing that I found to keep her safe was a safety harness. Her grandmother bought several in different colors and I discovered they are still available on the Internet. When parents are trying to manage a small, active child and a baby or one or two more children, a safety harness can be a life-saver. Jennifer finally stopped being a climber, when her instructor in college left her dangling mid-way up a ledge in a rock climbing class.

One family lost their two-year-old when the father backed out of the garage and didn't see that his little girl was in the driveway. The family was never the same again and the older children paid a high price with the on-going problems between the parents.

Eating Out with Children

Eating out with children can be a nightmare unless several things are considered before you head off to a restaurant. I think older kids need to know how to behave in a nice restaurant and the best way to ensure this is to talk about  your expectations ahead of time. If you are taking little children, it is wise to go early to a family-friendly restaurant. Also, I would take along a favorite doll, toy car, or stuffed animal. Playing games while you wait to order and be served and can keep  children from fidgeting. You can do things like look for letters of the alphabet, colors, objects or play "I see" and the kids can guess what you are describing. Just talking with each other is important rather than the parents constantly talking on their cell phones or checking their messages. 

I have been in restaurants where families around a table were all sitting in silence looking at their ipads or cell phones.  I always wondered if that is what they do at home. Communication is getting to be almost a lost art. I think manners are important for children to learn at an early age. When my granddaughter was about seven, I started taking her to a very nice restaurant for lunch in a hotel. She always put on a special dress and looked forward to the treat. She still talks about those times. Elbows off the table, not talking with food in their mouth, and knowing how to handle different knives and forks can be an important asset at a business lunch or later on at a family celebration or holiday meal.