Rx For Parenting Today

Tips for Sending a Child off to College

Many parents say they have a hard time sending a child away to college and would prefer to keep the child close by. I remember my mother crying when I left on a train or airplane for college. I vowed never to do that to my children. My son spent his last year at Trinity College in Ireland where the telephone system rarely worked. We had always been close and that was a hard year for me because that was before e-mail. Geoffrey wrote beautiful letters, as did his sister, and I published them in the book Letters Home.   How fortunate I was that my children wrote me letters, unlike most children today. How lucky parents are to have e-mail and cell phone contacts these days. 

    My daughter was quite shy going off to college, so I suggested she find someone who was sitting by herself in the college dining room and introduce herself. Jennifer did that and she and the girl she met became life-long friends. The other thing I did was find a good internist in Boulder, Colorado because many student health services are run by nurse practitioners without an M.D. in charge. (I have worked with wonderful nurses, but saw all the patients and wrote all the prescriptions.)  I have had to make calls for several former patients who were in trouble in college. I even had to make a house call to a former patient  at UC Berkeley, who was in real trouble and could have died. it was late on a Friday and everyone was gone from her dorm. Fortunately, the parents called me and I got there in time to get her to a hospital. She was about to obstruct with enormous tonsils because of mononucleosis. She had been diagnosed at the student health service as having tonsillitis.

If a child has special medical problems, it is very important that the college know about these. Most colleges these days have someone in charge of students with special needs and this can be researched ahead of time. You want your children to become as independent as possible, but you also want to be sure they are safe.

Suggestions for Parenting an Angry Child

Some children are naturally fun and easy to parent, but there are children who always seem angry. They often take out their anger on siblings, other children, or pets. When this occurs it is time to find out what is going on with the child. As a parent, you can first try to talk with your child about why he or she is angry, but that often doesn't get results.You can also ask the child to draw what he or she is feeling, if the child is old enough to do this. The next step would be to find a trained child psychologist who has a good reputation.Usually, a child's M.D. should be able to give you a referral, but be sure the individual is not just a good friend or gym buddy. (Yes, this does happen.) I would always check out the individual on the Internet and see what credentials are listed, where the training was done, and any comments that are listed. I would also want to know how many years the individual has been in practice. Once you have an appointment set up, there are some things you can do. Exercise helps lessen anger, a good diet without lots of sugar can help, karate lessons (if the child is old enough), and art lessons can be helpful, if that is of interest to your child. 

You want to be sure there are no school problems, so talking with the child's teacher is important. A child who is being bullied or has  a learning or other disability is often angry.

Whatever the cause, you need to get to the source as quickly as possible, so that no long-term problems occur. When a parent or parents are in denial, big problems can develop.

Back to School Problems and Phobias

A former patient, who now has two school-age children, told me the other day that her children were starting school next week. I was surprised they were starting so soon. She was worrying about her youngest child because he always has had trouble relating to other children and is shy. I know a lot of parents have the same concerns. I can remember sitting in the classroom for a few hours one or two days when my first child started school, but then she was O.K. Her brother was delighted, even as a three-year-old to start nursery school and have lots of children with whom he could play. If a child refuses to go to school, has temper tantrums or crying spells, then something is wrong. There may be an actual reason this is happening. I had one little patient, who absolutely refused to go to school. The parents thought that was because his grandfather had died two weeks before and he was still grieving because they had been very close. In doing a physical examination I found some neurological symptoms that made me wonder if the child had a learning disability. I suggested an excellent child psychologist do some testing and she found a marked learning difficulty. Once  the little boy received some special education help he blossomed.

Other children may not like a teacher, may have been bullied by one or more or the other children in the class, or have a visual or hearing problem. A complete physical examination, plus vision and hearing testing may result in finding a reason for a child's refusal to go to school. If a doctor does not do a good examination, I would find one who does. I don't know if pediatricians and family doctors even do any neurological testing these days, as I always did. I was often surprised at some of the problems I could find on a complete examination.

Sleep Problems in Little Babies

Parents with even a normal healthy baby often get little sleep. I have found, after being the pediatrician for countless newborns, that when parents have their first baby,the problem is greater. Many new parents constantly hover over a small baby, when the infant is put down to sleep and their anxiety just makes matters worse. I have always advised parents to have their baby sleep in a separate room. If they need to have a baby monitor in the room, that is fine. No baby should ever sleep with the parents. If so, they are being set up for possible suffocation and yes, this does occur. The infant should be in a small bassinet, not in a big crib, because babies like to feel snug, as they did in their mother's womb. No pillows or stuffed animals should be in the bassinet and the infants should be placed on their backs. This decreases the chance of SIDS or sudden infant death. The mattress in the bassinet should be firm and the babies need to be snuggly wrapped in a receiving blanket, if the room is not hot. Be sure the baby is not dressed too warmly or not warmly enough. This can make a difference.

I would be sure that the baby is not hungry, does not have a burp that needs to come up, or soiled diapers. The practical things still matter. A loud blaring TV can bother a baby, as can other loud noises or loud talking. A music box near the bed can be soothing, as can a white noise machine. Dr. Barry Brazelton,who followed Dr. Spock as America's number one pediatrician, often said that babies need to learn to quiet themselves when they are put down to sleep. Letting a baby cry for a few minutes does not hurt an infant, although many parents cannot stand to hear their baby cry. After the first baby, it gets a lot easier. When my daughter and I visited baby Heather when she was three weeks old, we baby-sat her, so the parents could go out for a while. Heather started crying when I put her down after her bottle and my daughter wanted to pick her up. "Lets let her cry for a few minutes" I said and soon, Miss La La as I called her settled down and went to sleep. She was accustomed to being picked up the minutes she started to cry!

Tips for Parenting a Shy Child

If a little child seems unusually shy, parents often worry that something is wrong. It may  be that that is who the child is and the boy or girl may just be uncomfortable around other children. If parents push the child, the child can become anxious. Some children are naturally sociable, while there are those who live in a world of their own and do not want to socialize with other kids. Little children, who are only comfortable around older kids may be part of a big family and feel they don't need to play or interact with children their own age. There are also brilliant children who find kids their own age very boring. 

If a child has some characteristics of the Autism Spectrum Syndrome or ASD then it is probably a good idea to have testing done by a pediatric psychologist. If signs of this disorder are present, then parents can look for activities that are helpful for the child. There are children who start out being very shy, perhaps because  an out-going sibling outshines them. But as they develop more self-confidence they can become happy, successful adults. Finding ways for shy children to interact with other children in ways that are comfortable can be quite a task, but it can be done. I found with my daughter that having her help out at an after-school program for low-income children made a great difference. Then a summer trip to Honduras when she was in high school with Amigos de los Americas changed her life. No longer was she shy, but she became out-going and made friends quite easily.