Rx For Parenting Today

Teenagers and Cars

I always worry when I hear that parents have purchased a car for a newly licensed sixteen-year-old. Having had to care medically for many post-accident teens, I wish the driving age could be raised to eighteen. I am sure there are some mature sixteen-year-olds, but those with ADHD or immaturity should not be driving at sixteen. They can injure themselves and others. Even worse there could be fatalities.

I had my first car when I was to start medical school. It was a funny little old Dodge Coup and my father drove with me to  Palo Alto where I was to start medical school at Stanford. I had rented a bedroom in a private home and a car was the only way I could get to school. As I remember I paid for the insurance, the gas, and any repairs. I earned the money working as a waitress in the summer.   I wonder how many of the teens with new cars pay for their own gas, insurance or repairs? Many kids these days seem to  use their parents as ATM machines. 

I bought my daughter a car when she graduated from college becasue she was coming to San Francisco where I was living. She had to look for a job and was always a careful, cautious driver. My son didn't have a car until after he had graduated from college at Trinity in Ireland and then was in London for two years. He also spent two years in New York City where he didn't need a car. I think his first car was an old truck of his father's. 

If a teenager is given a car, there should be clear understanding about the rules. Time limits, when the car could be used and for what purpose. Having a car as a status symbol makes no sense but seems to be what teens often want these days.  There has to be a better way to develop self-esteem other than owning your own car.

 

Are American Children Being Taught Manners?

A long-time friend who helps prepare students for college and I were talking about the loss of manners in the U.S. She says the students she works with,who come from families with  and without lots of money, have no idea about the importance of good manners and thank you notes. She actually buys thank you notes for the young people and shows them how to write them to colleges after they have had an interview.  I was amazed. I don't remember being taught to write thank you notes. It was just something we did. My children and grandchildren all do it. I  have saved many and they are treasures. 

I find adults to whom I send baby gifts, books, or articles also usually don't say thank you. Once in awhile I get a thank-you e-mail, but not a written thank you.

Of course, many schools these days don't teach students to write cursive.  It is all about computers. One superintendent of schools in a large county said as long as the students could sign their names, that was fine. I was amazed and sent her two articles about how writing cursive actually helps students retain facts and makes learning easier. I did not receive a reply. Of course, she may not be able to write cursive either!

I am afraid we are turning into a rude country where it is all about who you know and how much money you make. It is a celebrity culture and many of the celebrities seem to advocate tackiness and rudeness. Hopefully, the pendulum will swing back and manners will become important again. I certainly hope so. 

American Versus French Parenting

I found an interesting book the other day entitled French Twist by Catherine Crawford. It was written five years ago but certainly applies to parenting today. The author had French friends, although she was living in New York City. When her one child was completely out of control, she turned to a French friend and asked her how she would handle the situation.  The three-year-old was having a temper tantrum and  the mother didn't know what to do. The French friend said, "I would just leave her alone." Of course, when the little girl got no response from her mother, the tantrum stopped. The author realized the tantrum was just to call attention to herself since her mother was focusing her attention on her friend. Children are very smart and usually know exactly how to gain attention. This can be as little children or as teenagers. Anorexia and bulimia can occur if a child is feeling unloved, being bullied etc.

As I read the book, I readied that I always parented the way the French do. I am told I had a French great-grandmother. Also, I always parented exactly the opposite of what my mother did. I felt as if I was the parent, not my mother.  Children want and need parents to be in charge.   It makes them feel safe and secure. They are not old enough to be in charge of a family.

When I gave parenting classes in my office, questions about how to handle things like temper tantrums and kids who were misbehaved were some of the most frequent ones I answered. I don't understand why many of today's parents want to be their children's friends, not their parents. Kids need to make their own  friends and want their parents to be parents. 

Parental Grieving

When parents have lost a child or another special family member, their children can be greatly affected. One child was re-named for a child who died in a tragic accident and it changed her life. Somehow she felt she was not longer important since her name had been changed. Two little boys were never told why their sibling died. Their mother  didn't talk to them about the death and left the boys soon afterwards to travel with her husband. How lonely and confused the children must have been.  Siblings can also feel great guilt that they are alive and their sibling is dead. The children may start acting out so they can get their parents' attention.

When a parent dies,children should always be told about the death in language they can understand. Several children told me that their mother had never talked with them about their father's death. They didn't know if they had said or done something to cause it.  He actually died of cancer. 

One mother who lost her son to Duchenne dystrophy went back to school, received an advanced degree and became a grief counselor. Her husband never accepted his son's death and he and his wife stayed together but it was not a good marriage. The woman did a great deal of good for grieving families. She was an amazing woman. 

An excellent psychologist told me that the best way to grieve is to do it a little at a time and then  go on doing something else. Allowing yourself to grieve in small blocks of time can be helpful. In my experience, time does not take the pain of loss away.  You just have to find ways to handle it. 

Helping Children Handle Fears

When children feel insecure they can develop fears about all sorts of things. This can happen if there is a lot of tension or commotion in the household. A divorce, separation, or family death can cause a lot of stress in everyone but  talking to the children and spending extra time with them can help. Making fun of fears will just increase them. My grandson was frightened of fire engines as a little boy, so one day I took him to visit a firehouse. The fireman were wonderful with him.  Alexander got to climb up on the engine and pretend to be a fireman as he sat in the driver's seat. His fear disappeared. Nighttime fears are particularly disturbing for children. Having stars that shine on the ceiling of the child's room can help. A dream catcher can also make a difference.. We did a little ceremony with my grandchildren when we hung the dream catcher and explained how it caught bad dreams. There is also a nice children's book about dream catchers. 

Having a child draw the fears can be very therapeutic. If the fears take over a child's life, a child therapist is needed. A few sessions of play therapy can help most children. If the problem is more serious, some testing by a child psychologist may be needed and some on-going therapy received for a while. If parents are gone a great deal, a bedtime story could be taped and played at bedtime. A nightlight is also important. I always found that talking with each child at night when they were in bed helped both of us. A specific bedtime routine is also important. 

 

Ear Infections in Children

Ear infections can be the source of considerable pain for children. Sometimes a child may just become irritable and it is hard to know if an ear infection is the problem. Repeated ear infections can occur in an allergic child and it is wise to have the child seen by a  pedaitric allergist. When I had my  pedaitric training I was taught how to open and drain a child's ear when there was a full bulging ear drum. Now I find that almost no pediatrician either knows how to do this or does it. Even ear-nose-and throat doctors often just prescribe antibiotics. Repeated courses of antibiotics may not solve the problem.  Often the ear drum becomes thicken and the pus is never really treated. A loss of hearing can then occur. Medical students are not being taught to really see ear drums in many medical schools because the otoscopes they use are not equipped to  let them to remove wax or cerumen from the ear canal. This has to be done if there is wax so the ear drum can be seen. I have tried very hard to get the proper otoscopes put in the examining room at UCSD where I teach medical students intermittently. What is called a surgical head has to be on the otoscope. I had to teach my doctor son how to  clean out an ear canal because the medical school he attended did not teach the medical students about ear care. Even Stanford, my medical school, seems not to do this. One  my patients' mothers found this out first hand. Her child was hospitalized for a convulsion, but apparently the ears were not checked or not seen.  On her way home after the child was discharged. she came to my office in San Francisco and I found the child had bilateral bulging ear infections. So as parents you may  have to push your child's doctor to be sure he or she has seen the ear drum if your child is miserable, turning the head to one side or tugging at his or her ear. 

 

Hiring Childcare Workers

Hiring someone to take care of one or more children can be an anxiety-promoting experience. Newspaper articles about childcare workers who have hurt children certainly don't make it easier. Some of the tips I have always given parents are:

 1.Always ask for references, but remember these can be forged. They can also be written by a good friend who is covering up a problem. (I had this happen. The woman had seizures with no medical care. It was against her religion.) Even calling someone, as I did may not help. 2.Ask about the most recent chest X-ray. This is important to rule out tuberculosis. Many health departments  will do these at no charge.  3.Police departments will usually finger print someone if requested. This could be helpful if a childcare worker leaves with your possessions or even a child. This is not to frighten you but to keep your children safe. It will also show  if the individual has a police record. 4. Ask if the individual is a smoker. 5. A letter from the person's physician giving them a clean bill of health is also useful. 6. Locking a cupboard that contains alcohol is a good idea. Also always being sure a gun cabinet is locked is a must.

I had two outstanding childcare women. Both lived in because I often had to answer calls at night. One had been a former teacher and one was an artist who had owned a dog kennel. They were wonderful. I also have some bad experiences, so hope these tips will help keep your children safe.