Rx For Parenting Today

Children in Despair

I am delighted so many people are out today protesting the Trump policy of separating immigrant parents from their children. This is cruel and can cause life-long damage to the children. As I saw the crowds on the news today, I wished the same energy could be used to protest the harm being done to the many children in the U.S. living in poverty and who are hungry. Trump and his billionaire cabinet don't seem to care about these children any more than they care about the children at the border. 

Nicholas Kristof had an excellent column in yesterday's New York Times. He  has long been an advocate for children. He wrote that " American kids are more likely to be poor, to drop out of high school and even to die young than in other advanced countries" Yet Trump wants to spend millions of dollars on a military parade; he is spending one billion dollars on 100 facilities around the country for immigrant children and adults.  How have Americans allowed this?

One-fifth of American children live in poverty and make up more than one-fifth of the  homeless. This is disgraceful for the richest country in the world. Health care is not guaranteed for poor children. Early childhood education and the old practice of having public health nurses and even social workers visit poor families could make a great difference as it did in the past. I wish Trump and his cabinet cared about making a difference in children's lives instead of taking away programs that can help them. 

Where Is My Child?

It must be heart wrenching to be a parent from Central American who has had his or her child wrenched away. Children have been taken in the dead of the night as far away as New York City and put in detention centers. Parents and authorities do not have any way for the  children to keep in touch with their parents. I suspect many of these children will never see their parents again. If you are a small child who speaks no English, how would you even know what to say or what to ask? The fact that the people who work in these detention centers are not allowed to hug or console crying children breaks my  heart. The President of the American Academy of Pediatrics visited one of these centers and saw a crying, miserable four-year old. She was told she could not console the child. I am  sorry but I would have hugged the child. What kind of a country are we living in?

Now that Trump says children will not be taken from their parents, the families will be put together in prison-like detention centers. The problem is that according to the law, which of course Trump will try to get changed, a child can not be kept in one of these places more than  20 days. With the tremendous back-log of families and people waiting for hearings, there is no way that their cases can all be heard in 20 days. The private companies that own these prison-like detention centers are making large sums of money. I admire American and United Airlines for refusing to fly any more of these children to distant places. At least some CEOs have morals and compassion. I wish our government officials did. 

The Great Importance of Fathers

Happy Father's Day to all fathers-young and old. You play or have played and important part in your child's life. A good or great father can make a world of difference, while an abusive or uninterested father can cause a bad or tragic outcome. I know adults who worships their fathers and others who were badly abused by their fathers. The difference in these adults' lives is remarkable. Some adults have had years of counseling because of their abusive fathers. Others have married several times, always hoping to find a man who truly loves and respects them. 

For the great fathers, my on-going concern has always been that they find a way to have a balance in their lives. They need to make time for fun, hobbies, sports, and good male friends.  This is particularly true for single parent fathers. It is so easy to forget you have the right to a life. I always encourage all fathers and particularly single fathers, who have full custody of their kids, to be sure they don't give all their free time to their children. 

If you have a partner and still are the primary parent, as often happens, your partner needs to take his or her share of the parenting. One doctor father told me he was always the one to get up at night with the children, even though his wife did not work outside the home and he had long, long days at work. The marriage finally ended in divorce and the children  lived with him. You just get one chance to be a great parent and the rewards are amazing. The love of a child is something that nothing can replace. 

The Challenge of Parenting Gifted Children

Bright, creative children offer unusual challenges. It is wonderful to watch a child with unusual abilities grow into a happy, capable adult. However, far too many bright, creative children are programmed by parents, schools, and societies to fail. The Terman study of geniuses that was done by a Stanford professor many years ago provided some interesting answers. Some of the children Dr.Terman studied did exceptionally well. One was Dr. Victor Richards who was our professor of surgery at Stanford. He was a wonderful physician, teacher, and individual. One of the other males in the study became a mail carrier. His brilliant mind was too big a burden for him. 

It would  have been interesting to know how Dr. Richards' parents raised him to be such a caring, normal individual. I  have seen brilliant children  pushed so hard by their parents and schools that they either dropped out of school or life or committed suicide. 

All children want to be loved and accepted. If parents constantly tell children how exceptional  they are, trouble looms. Children need to learn to get along with all their peers and develop good self-esteem.  Some may be brilliant but not great in sports. Finding activities they enjoy is important. They do NOT  have to be good at everything. They need to have fun and learn  there is more to life than book learning. The elite Eastern colleges would  have fewer students commit suicide if this could be done.

Grandparents can help if they, too, understand that the children just want to be loved and valued, Grades are not the measure of a child's success. How they get along with their peers and their ability to learn the steps of independence are far more important. 

Childproofing Your House

A young woman who was pregnant with her first baby asked one day if I would check their house to be sure the new baby could not get into any trouble. She and her husband were anxious about being new parents. I was glad to help and went to the house armed with a yellow pad and pen. The house was quite small, so my job was easy. The first thing I saw that caused concern was a gas wall heater. These were  common in the area where they lived. My suggestion was that a short wire fence of some kind could be put around it. My husband did that for our heater when we had lived in that area. 

My second concern was to ask about gates for the various rooms, such as the kitchen and the stairway to the basement. I also asked if they were planning to buy a playpen. These can save a baby's life if a parent is busy elsewhere and a baby is crawling around on the floor. They had not thought about buying one but said they would take care of it. I checked the crib and saw padded crib bumpers. The American Academy of Pediatrics now advises against these because babies have smothered with them in a crib. Soft pillows should also not be used in a crib.

The parents did not have a bassinet and I suggested that one would be a good idea. Little babies like to be snug and often are unhappy in a big crib right at first. Money was not a problem for these parents and if it had been, I would have suggested they check on consignment stores that carried baby equipment. New parents can spend a great deal of money on a new baby and it is not necessary despite what some parenting books say.

I  left a list of household poisons that can be found under sinks and in bathrooms. The parents were very grateful and relieved after my visit.