Rx For Parenting Today

Saying "NO" to Children

I had an upsetting conversation with a long-time friend the other day. She is a teacher in a private school and told me something truly unbelievable.  It was about a spoiled little girl who was misbehaving. My friend,who has been a teacher for many years, started to insist the child behave when another teacher whispered "Be careful, you know we are not allowed to say "no"" to the children". Not only  were they not allowed to say "No" but any form of discipline, such as a time-out, was not allowed. My friend is going to stick it out until the end of the year and then retire.

What are we doing to children if they are given no limits, no discipline and no guidelines. Many of my pedaitric patients told me  they wished their parents would lay down the rules. That way they knew what was expected and the boundaries. No wonder so many children seem lost and at loose-ends. If they don't know what is right and what is wrong and how far they can go, they are in big trouble. Drugs, alcohol and acting out may be just a cry for some guidelines. 

When I helped my divorced son raise his children, I often said "This is just the way it is. I am not here to be your friend, but to keep you safe, feed you, and get you to and from school." Now my granddaughter and I laugh about this. Both grandchildren have become wonderful caring adults. Their father has always parented the way I parented, as did my daughter with her two step-children.

I do not know when parents decided they could not longer say "No" to their children, but it is causing great harm. The parents who can say "no" and set limits are fighting against the current trend, but their children are very fortunate to have parents who act like parents, not good friends.

Constipation and Urinary Infections in Toddlers, Children and Teens

I am constantly amazed at how few ER doctors, family doctors, and pediatricians do either routine yearly urinalyses or check the urine when a child has a fever or the cause of not feeling well has not been found. A yearly urinalysis on a child can pick up both infection and chronic urinary problems. If a child is constipated and ill or has a fever, a urinalysis MUST be done.

Recently, I was told of a baby less than a year old who had quite severe constipation for  which no treatment seemed to be working and then suddenly had a seizure. A small fever was noted but the ER doctor did not do a urinalysis. Now the child  has been found to have  urinary tract infection. I would have ordered a urinalysis in the ER. I also would  have asked if a previous urine had ever been checked. I suspect it had not been checked. It is simple to get a urine for examination on an infant or small child. There are little pediatric bags that fit right over the penis or vulva in a little one. 

As parents, I think you  have to insist that a urinalysis is done yearly and always checked if there is constipation or a fever of unknown origin. I  have picked up many urinary problems simply because checking urines was something I routinely did. I also looked at the urines myself and then sent them to  the lab if I suspected infection.  Old fashioned thorough medicine still pays off. 

I have picked up problems with congenital abnormalities in the kidneys, pyelonephritis, and glomerulonephritis by always insisting a urinalysis is done. Sometimes I  have even found that checking urines a couple of days in a row has paid off. The first urine might be clear but on the second day a problem can be obvious. If a doctor does not look at the urine, problems can be missed.

 

Allergies in Children

There are some basic rules about allergies if  either of the parents are allergic or they come from a family with allergies. Breast feeding is best for all babies, but particularly if you are worried about allergies. Allergists I  have known suggest a breast-fed mother be careful about eating chocolate, fish, and eggs  if there is a strong family history of allergy. If a baby is bottle fed, cows' milk can be a source of trouble. I was always careful about giving my two children foods that could cause allergies because  their father had quite severe asthma on occasion and hay fever. 

When you start a new food for a little one it is wise just to try one new thing at a time. Also I would give single foods rather than mixtures. Constipation can be due to wheat intolerance and could even be a symptom of celiac disease, as can excessive diarrhea. Eczema can be an early sign of allergies and a  pediatric allergist may need to be seen to help you decide what can be done  if allergies seem to be present. Wool can cause skin problems and some children are highly allergic to dog dander. Smoking near an allergic child is not wise, even if you don't smoke in the child's room. 

If a child has multiple allergies, it is wise to keep an epipen in the house and car. One also may need to be kept at the grandparents' home and any school site. Children generally handle allergies better as they get older, but it can be a life-long struggle that an allergist can help.

Raising Teenagers You Enjoy

I've heard many parents say they can hardly wait until their teenage children go off to college. It always hurts me to hear a parent say that. I think it says a lot about the family dynamics.  Have the parents ever enjoyed their children or are the children just an accessory? Many teens have told me that they are expected to always look put together, excel in  everything they do and be perfect. Is that why the parents had them just to keep up with their friends? 

Kids are so special that no matter who they are they have wonderful traits that can be encouraged and developed. Having fun with your children at all ages is hard when you have to work full-time and have little money. The kids can be taught to help, have chores, be careful about money and play an important part in having a close, loving, warm family. Money often hurts rather than helps. When a child expects their parents to be ATM machines, don't  have chores, or make any contribution to the family, they lose out badly. I greatly missed my children when they went to college and in my book Letters Home, I included some of their special letters. When my son was in Trinity College in England there was both a mail and telephone strike. It was hard for him to get letters and his letters were only received if he had someone mail them in England.  Even though I worked full-time, had weekend and frequent night calls, the children and I had special quality times such as Saturday lunch, ice skating on their half-day off from school and entertaining their friends at our  house. I still hear from several of their friends, who said they enjoyed our house more than than own.

I wish all couples who decide to  have children realize  they are given a wonderful gift and enjoy each child for who  he or she is, not the person the  parents want them to be.