Rx For Parenting Today

Teaching Children the Steps of Independence

 I have always thought an important part of parenting is teaching children how to become independent adults. This means they need to learn what I call the "Steps of Independence" I once asked a mother who feared letting her son out of her sight what he  did for himself. I was startled by her response. "Well", she said, "he takes his own shower!" I tried on every  visit to my office to help her see how much the youth needed to grow up and learn to take care of himself. As it turned out, he got away from his overbearing mother, found a girlfriend and moved in with her. The mother was devastated.

Both girls and boys need to learn how to cook, clean, shop, wash their clothes and make basic decisions about their lives. We cannot, as parents, do everything for our children and expect them to become independent adults. I think some children of the rich have a harder time that most because maids and housekeepers do everything for them. They are lost when they  have to shop for food and do everyday tasks. When I was a Stanford undergraduate, I often showed a wealthy friend how to wash and iron a blouse or skirt for a date. Many did not  have the slightest idea how to do anything for themselves. They sent their dirty clothes home every weekend for the maids to take care of their clothes. 

Not only do kids need to learn how to take care of themselves, but they also need to learn how to handle money and make decisions. Many children of the affluent look for a partner to take care of them and end up being unhappy. Learning the tools of independence helps young people feel good about  themselves. Always being dependent on a boyfriend or  parents does not do anything for a young person's self-esteem.

Supporting Older Children in Their Choices

I was talking to the mother of four sons the other day and was interested in what she was saying about her youngest son. He was about to graduate from college where he had majored in finance. His father, grandfathers and brothers had all chosen this field and made quite a lot of money. The mother told me her youngest son had decided he wanted to pursue a career in music which had always been his love. His mother said she and her husband had to think a lot about this but realized the son was an adult and had to make his own choices. What a fortunate young man. I  have seen far too many parents push their children into not only specific careers but also the choice of partners. One professional woman said her father  pushed her into marrying a man she did not love. Incredible!

I  recalled a physician who had several sons and convinced them all to become doctors. The youngest son tried to follow his father's wishes but ended up committing suicide. I don't understand how any parent  thinks he or she should make  the decision about what kind of work a child should do or whom to marry. What gives a parent that right? Young people can ask for guidance, but for parents to insist on certain choices often ends up with everyone being unhappy and even tragic outcomes can result. Sadly, many bright young people in major colleges and universities these days are committing suicide or suffering from depression. We are particularly seeing this in women medical students. Many young people need time to decide on their future choices and may even change one or more times. I think the British system of a gap year before college makes a lot of sense. 

 

Another Dangerous Object Children are Swallowing

When Children Swallow Foreign Objects

A recent pediatric report stated that there has been a marked increase in ER visits for children who have swallowed foreign objects. Boys are being seen more often than girls.  When I had my pedaitric practice, I was amazed at what some of  the things my patients swallowed. One child swallowed a razor blade, another swallowed a safety pin that ended up in his trachea. A doctor friend's little grandchild swallowed a piece of raw carrot. (The mother didn't like to cook  and often gave the little boy chunks of raw carrot.) He had to be rushed to the hospital to have the chunk removed from his lung. Unbelievable. A child on an airplane tried to swallow a peanut which fortunately I was able to remove. Not only do children swallow common foods or objects, but toys and other things that contain magnets are causing terrible damage when a child swallows the magnets. One patient of mine swallowed dishwasher detergent and had to  have  part of his feeding tube or esophagus replaced.  Another child saw an open coke bottle in a neighbor's yard and swallowed some of the liquid. It was a caustic liquid to use in the garden. This child, too, had to have major surgery. 

There is a museum in Boston, I  have been told that contains objects children have swallowed. Medications found in bedside tables, medicine cabinets, or visitor's purses have and can cause a lot of problems.  I think the answer for parents is to teach their children that putting things in their mouths other than food the parents can supervise may lead to a lot of trouble. My children heard countless tales from me about the children whose stomachs I had to pump out because they had swallowed harmful substances. They both learned that was not something they ever wanted to happen to them!

Manners, Morals and Ethics

It must be hard these days to know how to raise a child who has good manners, moral, and ethical values.  Children usually mimic what their parents do. If they see their parents being rude to a sales clerk or someone else, they suppose that is O.K.  If parents are unkind to someone, that too is noticed by their children. I was in a store one early morning when one of the workers told me how she  had been treated by a father the day before. This particular woman was a temporary employee because she was waiting to move to  another city where her husband had been sent. I had been impressed by the  woman when she told me she had a master's degree and written two novels. Apparently, this father was taking his child to school, but had stopped at the store to get something. He said to his daughter, "See that woman behind the counter, that  is why you have to get good grades so you don't have to do what she is doing." I was appalled and wished I had been there to tell the father what I thought. How rude can someone be? 

I have had several parents of children with disabilities tell me about some of the things said to them. One lovely mother and her daughter were leaving church when a woman came up to her and said " You have offended God because you have a disabled child."  Unbelievable when the woman had also  just come from the church. One of my favorite teenagers told me that he would love to have a girl friend but he had heard  one girl tell another  one that " He is probably funny in the head since he has to walk with crutches."  

Kids also copy the way  parents obey the law. If you never stop at stop signs, cheat in other ways and assume the law does not apply to you, how do your children learn what is right and what is wrong? My father was not a warm,  hugging man but he certainly taught us what was right and what was wrong.  As a college professor, I am sure his students quickly learned that cheating was unacceptable. He would  have been appalled at the college admissions scandal we are seeing today. What were these  parents thinking?