Rx For Parenting Today

Spoiling a Child May Lead to Problems as an Adult

I realize that most parents want to do all they can for their children. However, if this means the children are given everything they want, have no household chores, and are not taught the steps of independence, then the child could be headed for trouble as a adult. Teaching children skills they will need as an adult when you may not be around is all important. Every child, boys and girls, need to learn how to cook, clean, iron, sew, do household chores, and have compassion for others. I see far foo much bullying, using parents as ATM machines, and not accepting responsibility if they  have made a mistake. When a child goes off to college, they may be very surprised if they don't have parents to take responsibility for them. I spent many Saturdays when I was a Stanford student showing wealthy girls how to wash clothes and iron them when they had a date. They were accustomed to sending  their clothes home for the maids to take care of.

It gives a child a sense of responsibility and of making a contribution to the family if they have chores to do. I had chore charts for my two children, They would check off what they had completed. When all their chores were done, they were give their allowances. This worked out well and even though I had a full-time housekeeper because I was often called out at night the housekeepers helped the children if they had questions. Both became responsible, self-sufficient, caring adults. 

What a Conservative Supreme Court Could do to You and Your Children

It is very scary to think about what could be ahead for families and children. If you are healthy and can afford good health care you may be O.K. However, if you rely on the Affordable Health Care Act to help with yourself or a child with a disability, I fear for your future. The Republicans have been trying every since Trump came into office to take away health care for pre-existing conditions or for individuals who have lost their businesses or their homes. Providing health care for all is not their intent. They seem to care little for anyone with a disability or a  pre-existing condition. A pregnant teenager will have to carry her baby to term if abortions are outlawed and Roe vs. Wade is struck do down. Anything  President Obama achieved is a sore point for Trump and he will do everything he can to get rid of his achievements. This is a sad time to live in the United States. Money and power have become all important and those of us who care about families and children seem to be in the minority or just strange. 

I hope that Nancy Pelosi and the Democrats will find a way to stop Trump and prevent another conservative judge on the Supreme Court, If you care about health care and children, please speak out. 

What a Teenage Pregnancy can do to the Girl's Life and a Child's

Now that it appears  Roe Vs Wade may be overturned with a third conservative Supreme Court judge, I have worries about what will be ahead for pregnant teenagers and their children. When I had own pediatric practice, I cared for many pregnant teenagers. Fortunately, these were girls from families that could afford to pay for an abortion and the obstetricians were able to do them. 

Now that there is such a terrible political and religious division in our country, abortions are difficult for teenagers to get, particularly if they are poor. Children  will be born into homes where these mothers will be lacking in maturity with no idea how to raise a child. Raising a child, even if you have a partner or a husband and an adequate income, is difficult. 

I have known children of teenage mothers who have to fight hard to have happy lives.  Getting to know some of these individuals as adults I have seen how they appear to be outgoing and successful, but under their exterior is a terrible feeling of inadequacy and a fear of letting anyone get close enough to see the great turmoil and ugliness they feel inside. That is a terrible legacy to give a child. 

I do not understand how so-called caring, religious people can hurt mothers and children like this. Having a great number of children, as one potential judge has, can be hard on the older children. I know families where the older girls had to be in charge of the younger children and grew up far too fast. One wonderful young woman said she vowed never to have children because she felt she had already raised her eight brothers and sisters. Instead she became an outstanding psychiatric social worker. Another large family had four of the children get involved with drugs and all had to go through drug treatment. 

Having a child should be a serious, well thought-out decision. If as a parent you have not become an adult yourself or have so many children you cannot give  each one the time they need, I believe that is just wrong. Children are special and they are our future.

Having a Baby during the Corona Virus Pandemic

I was remembering tonight what I felt like when I was having my first baby and cannot imagine what parents must be feeling if their baby is due in the next few months. I don't see this terrible virus being controlled any time soon because of Trump's terrible and incompetent leadership. If a baby is due this month or in the next few months, I think parents need to check to be sure the doctor and hospital they choose is being strict about masks, social distancing, and proper protective equipment. If you are near a big city that is good because most big hospitals will hopefully be doing a good job of protecting their staff and patients.  I would do a lot of networking, ask a lot of questions, and be sure that you have a back-up plan if you need to change hospitals or have any sudden problem such as a premature birth, a placenta previa, or unusual bleeding. 

Most hospitals are not allowing partners or husbands to be in the hospital now when a baby is born, so it is important that you can connect with a cell phone or be able to text. I remember when my daughter was born on September 21st in Stockton, California  and my husband left for a while to visit with old friends. It was a scary time because I was in labor and badly needed support. That was before we had cell phones and other ways to connect electronically. I was lucky to have a caring, competent obstetrician, so I made it through O.K. Now that mothers and babies are sent home after a day or so, plans need to be made for some help at home and the refrigerator stocked. I was a navy doctor's wife at that time and we were being transferred to Pensacola, Florida. Jennifer was due August 29th but the delay in her birth meant I was never able to go back to our little house on the Navy base, but instead was taken to a friend's house and then had a long drive to my parents house in southern California while my husband went on to Pensacola for flight training.  I am relating this to show that the best laid plans can change and you need to be prepared for this. Having a good support system is a must and having things in order at your house or apartment is important. That is even more true now because of the  pandemic.   

Giving Children with Disabilities the Best Possible Life

Having cared for children with disabilities for many years, I have seen some marvelous parents and some who did not even try to be parents.  One mother whose daughter I was examining in a clinic said "The day she was born was the worst day of my life."  The little girl was sitting right there and heard what her  mother said. I wonder how she interpreted it. The child had spina bifida which is a multisystem disorder and one that can overwhelm any parent. A loving parent or parents can make the difference  in a child's life but watching the interaction between this mother and child I suspected rocky times were ahead. Children with spina bifida usually have to  have several surgeries and  also have problems with bladder, bowel and  learning. However, with good surgeries, good education, and loving supportive parents, they can do very well.  Their early years are important and if they can gradually learn how to become independent and have good schooling, that is important.  

I have found many children with disabilities become quite manipulative to get good care, so limits, firm discipline, and chores and not spoiling them can make a difference. They must know that they are loved and treated as normally as possible. Finding a physician or clinic where good care is available can be difficult, but possible. 

On wonderful mother who adopted several children with disabilities said to me "We have celebrations about even little things." How lucky those children were to have a parent like that.  Teaching  children how to make wise choices as they grow up is important. The children often face bullying in and out of school and  need to be taught how to handle this. Now with social media this can be even more of a problem. Each child is precious and should be give the best possible quality of life. 

Parenting During this Awful Pandemic

I was thinking today what I would do if I had small or teenage children during this terrible pandemic. It would depend on whether I was a stay-at-home parent or a parent who could go to work. Being a stay-at-home parent would mean that I would have to be very creative and find ways for the children to keep busy. Watching lots of TV would not be the answer, but books, games, cooking, chores, puzzles and other things would have to be tried. The most important thing for a stay-at-home parent is to have some time for yourself. If that means having to hire someone to watch the children while you read a book, work in the garage, took a bath, or did some work of your own, that must be part of your day. No parent should devote the entire day to the children. Kids also need to find creative ways to amuse themselves if the are old enough to do so. A playpen for the  little ones would be important to keep them safe for short periods.

Being a self-sacrificing parent  with no life of your own is not going to help your family or yourself. Because it looks as if the virus will not be under control for many more months due to the ineptitude of Trump, I think plans need to be made and discussed about how we can all survive this difficult time. People who lived through other awful times like the polio epidemic and wars had to become very creative. I have great respect for friends in other countries who have told me how they survived during some terrible times.

Children Diagnosed with the Virus and What Needs to Be Done

Several sources today have noted that a half million children have been diagnosed with the corona virus. I could not find the ages involved and if these were children who had gone back to school. Yes, school is important but a child's health is more important. Unless a school is checking temperatures each day on entry, has a nurse on site, and has followed the strict requirements to reopen safely, I would be very hesitant about sending a child to school at this time. Sadly, only 40% of schools have a nurse on site and 35% of schools have a part-time nurse.

Nicholas Kristof had an excellent article on the editorial page of the New York Times about what is happening in low-income areas where children are being told that classes will be on-line. Yes, the children will perhaps be safer at home, but the problem is that the majority of these low-income children will not have computers and will lose a lot of teaching. Mr. Kristof noted that if these children miss just 10% of class days, this is associated with a seven-fold increase risk of dropping out. Special needs children must have the services law required by law in their IEPs but how these will be provided at this time is a problem. Creative ways must be found, so the children can receive what is needed outside of their schools. Schools need more federal aid, low income children must have computers if their schools will be online, and masks, social distancing, out-door classes when possible, and checking the ventilation systems must all be done or we will have more infected kids.

Additional Tips about Finding a Good Pediatrician

There was a good article today in the online version of the New York Times about finding a pediatrician. I agreed with most of it, but some crucial facts were missing. If your child has an after hours or weekend medical problem you want to be sure  the pediatrician will meet you in a hospital emergency room. ER doctors are fine for cuts, burns, trauma, or broken bones, but not for high fevers, ear infections, pneumonia or any of the other common problems a child may have. If a pediatrician sends parents to an ER for after hours or weekend care, I would find another doctor.

Another really important point is: will you be able to talk to the M.D. or just to the secretary or nurse if you have a problem you need to discuss?  One nurse told a former patient of mine when she called to speak to the doctor, "He won't tell you anything that I cannot tell you." It took a call to her mother and then to me and then my call to the doctor for the doctor to take the mother's call. Her child had had a small seizure!

Also if a child is old enough to answer questions or is a teenager, does the doctor talk to the child or just to the parents?  Kids should  be able to ask and answer questions and a good relationship between the doctor and child or teen is very important. 

Another really important tip is, does the doctor see all his or her patients or does a nurse practitioner see some of them? Unless the doctor sees all the children, that is not acceptable pediatric care. You can always change doctors if you are not satisfied with one you have seen.

Dr. Spock and Parenting Today

Dr. Benjamin Spock, a much loved pediatrician, wrote  Baby and Child Care, a book that has helped countless parents raise their children. I was very fortunate to hear him speak many years ago at U.C. San Francisco Medical School. He was also extremely kind to write a wonderful endorsement for my first book, Raising a Handicapped Child. Sometime ago I came across another book of his in a used bookstore. In re-reading parts of the book, I found some words of wisdom that are even more applicable today. He wrote about American Permissiveness stating that "When parents try too hard to be tolerant and patient, children miss the guidance they need. -----They are apt to provoke their parents with worse and worse behavior in order to force their parents to assume control_and to get the air cleared." I think Dr. Spock would be amazed at some of the parenting I see today. So many parents want to be their children's friends and are afraid to ever say "No". Children want and need boundaries. Then they know the rules and feel safe. When I was a small child, I always felt I was the parent and not my mother. Fortunately, my father set the rules and so I was O. K.

Dr. Spock also discussed how children are raised in other countries and how different parenting in some countries is so different from it is in America. I wonder what Dr. Spock would say if he were alive today. I wish more pediatricians and family doctors would teach parenting or hold parenting classes as I did when I was in pediatric practice. Our children are our future and they need to learn how to act and cope in this strange world we  live in today.