Rx For Parenting Today

Educating Young Children

I agree with almost all of President Biden's proposals except the one to educate 3 and 4-year-olds, so they can learn to read and write early.  Some four-year-olds are ready to learn to read, but boys in particular often taken longer to mature. For several years, Texas delayed starting boys in kindergarten until they were older. Now a boy must be five by September first to go to kindergarten and kindergarten is elective and not mandatory in Texas. Three-year-old children need a lot of maturing before they are ready to sit in a classroom and expected to pay attention to a teacher. They want to be playing and having fun.  I love three-year-olds and think it is a special age, but if the children a pushed to do things they are not  ready to do there can be problems. 

The well known developmental specialists. Drs. Gesell and Ilg say in one of their excellent books that "And sad experience has shown that mere admission to the first grade based on chronological age does not insure that the child is ready for reading instruction."

I thin Drs. Gesell and Ilg would be greatly upset  about the practice now in many schools not to teach cursive and instead teach the use of computers. Sadly, Cindy Marten agrees with this and she is the new Undersecretary of Education. Our country is already far behind many European countries in education and I am afraid we are going to go even farer down the list of countries with good educations.   

Raising Children as a Single Parent

Whether you are a single parent by choice, divorced or widowed, raising children alone can be a challenge. The up side is that your voice is the one the children should listen to and there can be no arguments about difficult problems with a partner. I was married for 17 years before I filed for divorce. However, I always felt like a single parent because the children's father was first a flight surgeon overseas in the Navy and then a very busy orthopedic  surgeon with long hours for training and then seeing  patients in his practice.  He loved our two children, but the adoration of his patients and his love of orthopedics  and surgery took first place. 

I was very fortunate to  have two wonderful children  who listened when I spoke and could not have been more caring and helpful. They knew quite a few of my patients, particularly those with neuromuscular problems and were often helpful when I was deciding what to tell a teenager. 

I think the most important thing I did was that I was the parent, not a  friend, as so many parents try to be today and the children knew the rules and what I would and would not tolerate. Children desperately want guidelines about what is right and what is wrong. I think a lot of the lack of morals and ethics we see today goes back to the way the individuals were parented. Lack of respect for an individual despite their skin color, the amount of money the family has and what they do is certainly lacking today. Money has become so important in the United States that it is creating terrible problems. GREED can destroy both individuals, families and nations. 

 

Children of Divorce

I just checked the incidence of divorce in the United States and the rate is one divorce every 13 seconds. If a large number of these individuals had children together, think of what that means. In some cases, the kids may be better off if one of the parents was remote or abusive. They can be better off also if one parent is never home or not really involved with the children.

I had one couple, when I was in pediatric practice, where the mother was a busy professional who rarely saw the children. When I had a question about one of the children, who were always brought to my office by a nanny,  I contacted the father. He finally sought full custody and a child psychiatrist testified on his behalf. He was granted full custody by the court.  One of the children  had a fairly severe reaction to the divorce and many years later at a book party I saw the mother and asked about the two children. " Oh", she  said very coolly, " Mary committed suicide!"

My children were ten and twelve when I filed for divorce. Their father was a wonderful surgeon, but was never home. After the divorce  when he wanted to see the children, he had to have one of his partners take calls. My son does not remember  seeing his father much when he was growing up. He now has two grown children and could not be a better, more connected father. The  children know this and realize they are very lucky. 

When parents would ask me about getting a divorce, I always stressed how important it was to not say angry things about their husband or wife and try to keep things as pleasant as possible. Children can be hurt deeply by anger between parents and parents who really care about their kids will keep things as pleasant as possible.

Teaching Children the Difference between Right and Wrong

Knowing and practicing what is right and what is wrong seems to be lacking greatly in many people these days. Instead it seems to be all about power and money. Many years go I was directing a big clinic for children with disabilities. The head administrator and  Medical Director came to the clinic one  day and met with me. They wanted me to "run patients through the clinic to make more money."  I replied that I did NOT run patients through clinics and that each  patient needed and deserved the amount of time they and their parents needed. That did not sit well with the two men and I realized I would have to resign, which I did.  Soon another excellent hospital director asked me to start a program  for children with disabilities at their hospital. 

I was very fortunate to be brought up by a father who taught me what was ethical and what was not. He was a college professor who loved teaching and did that despite not receiving a very large salary. I think that was good because I learned how to work hard and make money for the things I wanted. I worry today that many parents give their children everything they ask for because they did not have much when they were growing up. Too many parents seem to cut corners and then their children watch what their parents do and think that is what they should do.  Ours is a troubled country and  teaching what is ethical and what is not is one of the greatest gifts you can give your children.

Mothers and Parenting

Because it will soon be Mothers' Day, I want to celebrate mothers who truly care about their children, let them know who is in charge, and do not try to control their children's lives. I have seen wonderful mothers, terrible mothers, lazy mothers, and even abusive mothers. I think children of middle class mothers probably have an easier life than children of rich and poor parents. Of course, there are exceptions. As a pediatrician caring for children from families of all kinds I have often been amazed at what takes place in some families. I can remember the day I had a mother and her child with a severe muscle disorder in an examining room and the mother said "The day she was born was the worse day of my life." I will never forget that day.

My mother was very sweet and loved her three children very much. She did the best she could, but I often looked at her and wished she would act like a parent and lay down some ground rules.  In many ways I did exactly the opposite of what she had done when I had my two children. In turn my two children parented the way I parented.

Children want to know the rules and as a parent that you are in charge. If you say "no" you mean "no". I find many mothers today want to be just friends, not  in charge. If you are a single parent it is particularly important to be the one in charge. Kids are great about manipulating parents. I have several friends who have told me about their parenting and have been appalled. They each have suffered considerably from the way their mothers (and some fathers ) parented.  So Happy Mothers' Day and do take charge. It is what your kids want.

Elite Private Schools and Colleges

There is a frightening article in the April 2021 Atlantic magazine by Caitlin Flanagan about what goes on in elite private schools and colleges. I recently was appalled that Stanford turned down one of the amazing teens I  have ever known. This article explains why. Stanford takes just 5% of applicants and most of those probably come from wealthy families and donors. The teenager who was turned down is an A student, speaks fluent French, has received many awards and is one of the most grounded and caring teens I have known. She did go to a private school, but not one listed in the article I mentioned. Also her family is not wealthy and could not be donors. 

It is amazing to me what parents will and do to get their child or children into Harvard, Yale, Brown, Stanford etc. Many of these parents are constantly in touch with the teachers and if they are not happy with a teacher they immediately contact the teacher and the administrators. A family member taught in an outstanding private school and had a lazy student. She gave the student a low grade one semester and was asked or told by the administrator to change the grade. She refused and soon resigned. She was immediately hired by another excellent private school. Many of the elite private schools charge more than $50,000 a year and also expect parents to make large donations. 

We are becoming more and more the haves and the have-nots in the U.S. I hope people in the poor and middle classes will some day see a change in this country, but I am not holding my breath. I am glad I do not have to raise  children in this crazy time.

Medical Concerns with Infants

It is important that every infant have regular, routine care. This is now more difficult with the pandemic.  Telemedicine  does not work for newborns or children with fever, earaches etc.

Several years ago I saw a five-month old baby born in a rural area, delivered by a midwife. The infant had not seen a doctor since birth. The baby was listless, had rough skin and the parents said was often constipated. I ordered a blood count, a thyroid test and was able to get a urine for analysis.  The baby proved to be anemic and was also hypothyroid. Once he was started iron and thyroid medication he began to thrive and made dramatic progress. I was so glad I had seen him when I did. 

If an infant is listless, not hungry, has a poor suck, and gains weight poorly seeing a pediatrician is extremely important. Going to an ER is not the answer. If there is prolonged jaundice or a yellow color of the eyes or skin that means a doctor should be seen immediately. Oozing around the navel or in the eyes means a doctor needs to investigate. If you hear a high pitched cry or non-stop crying a doctor must be consulted. I would not allow a secretary or nurse to try and answer your questions over the phone, but would insist on seeing the M.D., not a nurse practitioner. "The squeaky wheel does get the grease. As a parent you want to be pleasant with medical staff, but sometimes you have to be very assertive.