Rx For Parenting Today

Teenagers and Social Media

It is hard to watch the news and hear statistics about teens, who because they are active on social media,  may do harm to themselves. It  got me to thinking about what I would do if I was the parent of a teenager. I would certainly find a lot of fun activities the kids could become involved in, jobs they could do, or ways they could volunteer to help others. What are parents thinking if they allow a teen to spend hours on a computer being involved on social media sites? Don't parents have any  control of what their kids are doing these days? What about chores, helping around the house? Do teens these days learn to cook, sew, knit, iron, have music or art lessons, or have homework to do? I started working when I was 12 and later on worked as a waitress after school and on weekends. Money was tight for us as a family, even though my father was a college professor. 

Both of my children had sports activities and music lessons, and my son became very involved in theater.  My daughter volunteered at a school for children of  low income parents.  Then  later, after college she started a  program in San Francisco to help kids with disabilities find jobs and my son became a physician. If you are going to  be a parent, it is a hard job, but very rewarding if you take the job seriously. Are parents too involved with their social life, their jobs, shopping, or themselves? Something is very wrong if a child thinks suicide or hurting himself or herself is the answer. One of the reason I sold my much loved pediatric practice was  either I was going to  have to adopt some of the children who were in such pain or  open an orphanage.  

Children's Safety and Passwords

 I have been re-reading Betty Mehmoody's true story about how she escaped from Iran and her Iranian husband with her daughter. Her great fear on  getting to the United States was that her ex-husband would find a way to get to the U.S and kidnap their daughter. Sadly, we  have a lot of people with problems who do make an attempt to kidnap a child. It can be a woman, as well as a man, who is the kidnaper.

One of the things I taught my children and my patients is that all children should know a password. Thus if someone comes to a house where they are playing or to a school, the adult must know the password before the child goes with them. I had a good high school friend who went with her husband to South America. She left their two children with their father  when came to the U.S. to see her parents. She did not realize she would not be  see her children again until they were teenagers and escaped with the help if a friend and made it to the U.S. What a terrible experience. She had met her American husband in college and had no idea of the problems she would face going with him to South America.  He was working for an American company there.

So caution is always wise with your children. You don't ever want to frighten them, but simple things can keep them a lot safer. 

 

Teenagers and Suicide during the Pandemic

There was a troubling article about teenagers and suicide in the March 16, 21021 New York Times by Benedict Carey.  The article talked about how so many teens were depressed and even tried suicide because they missed school, their friends, and their normal activities.  Several parents were quoted who said they took their sons to hospital emergency rooms and received no help. This is not surprising because that is not where you would go to get help. What was surprising to me was that there seems to be no interaction with the child's doctor or pediatrician. ER doctors are great for accidents, trauma and similar problems, but mental health and the care of  kids in despair is not something they are trained to handle. 

I cannot imagine any of my parents taking a child to an ER without calling me first. I had a few teen age patients who threatened suicide, but by working with a good psychiatrist and the parents I was able to make a difference. I don't understand why pediatricians or family doctors were not contacted. That makes no sense. 

I made a list of what I would do if I were a parent of a child in despair. The first thing I would do is talk to a good psychologist or psychiatrist. Once contact and an appointment was scheduled I would look at what the child was doing all day and work out a plan with him or her about how to keep the despair at bay. Does the child get an exercise, does he or she have any household chores? What about getting the teen involved in something such as cooking, art, music or if there is  man or father who can help, what about a project such as woodworking, car repair etc? Certainly a good friend could come to your house with a mask on and the teens could throw a ball around, go for a bike ride, or hit some tennis balls.

A statistic was given in the article that ER visits for anxiety and panic were up by 24% in young children and 31% for teens compared with the previous year. 

I believe that a close connection with your family doctor or pediatrician is  essential, not visits to the ER for panic or depression. That is not where you will get the help that is needed in most cases.

Feeding Children

The is a hard time to feed children when even going to a store can be risky.  I go at seven a.m. with a mask on and plastic gloves. Most doctors are taught little about diet and nutrition. I don't remember anyone talking about it at Stanford when I was in medical school there and my son agrees that he had no nutrition teaching at Washington University Medical School. 

There is an excellent book by Dr. Henry Legere entitled, Raising Healthy Eaters. He makes some good points and it is easy reading. I particularly like his discussion of vegetarian diets for kids. He notes that this type of diet can cause real problems unless parents understand how little protein such a diet can give a child.

I have great concerns about the advice some doctors are giving parents about feeding even little children  allergen foods, such as peanuts, eggs, fish, citrus, and  chocolate. There was an excellent allergist when I was on the staff at University of Rochester and he cautioned parents about these foods. I had married a man who had strong allergies in his family and was very careful about not  feeding allergenic foods to my two children. It certainly paid off.  Some children are very allergic to cows milk and when mothers can breast feed, that is much safer. Milk between meals for older children will decrease their appetite for regular meals, as will snacks, such graham crackers etc. If a particular food is disliked by a child, he or she could be allergic to it. No child should ever be forced to eat everything on their plate. Also children should not be catered to as to what  foods they will and will not eat. Fast foods and pre-packages foods may not be the best for children, except now and then. We are what we eat is still a wise saying. 

Thoughts about Charter Schools and the Pros and Cons

Our educational system in the United States leaves a lot to be desired, particularly in low income areas. There was an interesting  article recently in the New York Times by Eve Ewing. She is a former teacher and has interviewed and researched charter schools. I like one paragraph  where she notes that  "Although  charter schools  have  improved, they are "less effective than their non-charter peers". However, she says they are "more effective for low-income students and students of color than for white and affluent students."

I was raised in a college town that should  have had good public schools. However, when I went to Stanford the professors would said, "Oh you would  have had that in high school." They were not talking about the high  school I attended!

One of the smartest things I did when my two children were growing up was insist they go to private school. Our San Diego public schools were not good and certainly do not seem to have improved. Both children received wonderful educations for which I am very grateful. We did not have the money to send them to private school and were living in a small rented house , as we were both just  starting to practice medicine. 

I worry greatly about the education many students are receiving. I think we can see that in many kids need for constant entertainment, social media, and the lack of inner resources so evident during this pandemic. Kids knowledge of other countries, other cultures, and even the history of this country seems to be greatly lacking. 

I hope the Biden administration will push our schools to do a better job and all  children will get a good education, as kids seem to in Europe.

 

Why Children Get Upset or Irritable

It must be very hard in these long days of staying inside because of the terrible virus to keep small children and toddlers happy. In my parenting book,  Prescription (Rx)for Parenting, I give lots of examples why children get upset and ways to keep them happy.  One problem, which is easy to solve, is that a hungry child can be an irritable child. Also if a child is allergic and given food or milk that does not agree with him or her, that can be a cause of irritability. A tired child or one in a in a position or situation that is uncomfortable may become irritable or upset. If a  child is overstimulated he or she will let you know by crying or throwing something. A little one who is dressed too warmly,  is cold, or has dirty diapers will also let you know by crying or being upset. 

A reaction to medicine, feeling lonely and needing a hug can be a reason for  crying  and needing attention. It is important that little ones have regular bedtimes, know the rules, and don' t have to try to sleep when there is a noisy radio or TV on in the house or people making a lot of noise.  Some children need a lot quiet and don't react well to loud noises. If parents argue or are in the middle of a divorce, a child may sense something is very wrong and react to it. If  there is  something like  an emotional problem, some medical help may be needed.  A bored child will let you know and some fun games or other activities will be needed. 

Tips I Wish All Parents Knew

I loved being in private pediatric practice and still hear from many old  patients and their parents. However, today I think it  would be hard to practice the way I did because times have changed so much. Many parents seem to feel they know  more than their parents or even their doctors. One of the most important thing I wish all parents knew is that time spent with parents is much more important  than material things. The other equally important tip is that time to play and just be a child is of major importance. I remember the father who told me that he and his wife drove 20 miles each day to put their two-year-old in a special program located at San Diego State because they wanted to be sure he was accepted at Harvard. Some children don't want to go to college and should not but would  love to go to art school, trade school or get a job. Every child should be allowed to follow his or her own path or dreams. 

Many children today are scheduled for too many lessons, sports, other activities  and play dates. Every minutes  is accounted for. One teenager told me he hated his private school and he had no time for himself. What he really wanted to do was tinker with an old car. Some parents give their teens a credit card and a car at age 16. Yet most do not have the judgment and maturity to handle this. That is why there is such a high accident rate with teenage drivers. 

Some parents hover other their children so much, the kids have no time to breathe. They check on their school assignments and monitor every move.

Constant praise is the norm for many children. Yes, you note accomplishments but every thing a child does should not require constant praise. There will be  bumpy times ahead when children must be able to handle problems. Bad times come to all of us.  

Parenting During this Awful Pandemic

I was thinking today what I would do if I had small or teenage children during this terrible pandemic. It would depend on whether I was a stay-at-home parent or a parent who could go to work. Being a stay-at-home parent would mean that I would have to be very creative and find ways for the children to keep busy. Watching lots of TV would not be the answer, but books, games, cooking, chores, puzzles and other things would have to be tried. The most important thing for a stay-at-home parent is to have some time for yourself. If that means having to hire someone to watch the children while you read a book, work in the garage, took a bath, or did some work of your own, that must be part of your day. No parent should devote the entire day to the children. Kids also need to find creative ways to amuse themselves if the are old enough to do so. A playpen for the  little ones would be important to keep them safe for short periods.

Being a self-sacrificing parent  with no life of your own is not going to help your family or yourself. Because it looks as if the virus will not be under control for many more months due to the ineptitude of Trump, I think plans need to be made and discussed about how we can all survive this difficult time. People who lived through other awful times like the polio epidemic and wars had to become very creative. I have great respect for friends in other countries who have told me how they survived during some terrible times.

Keeping Children Happy and Busy During the Pandemic

I was thinking today what I would do if I had small children and teens during this pandemic. Having survived 3 very hard years in Rochester, New York during long, long winters and short springs and summers, I  had to be very creative to keep  our two children busy. My daughter, even as a small child, loved puzzles and her brother loved building things. I found large paper blocks that were great and puzzles made out of wood. I did a lot of reading to the children, playing games with them and they helped me with cooking. Even small children like to help make cookies and a favorite was a cake you make all in one pan. Even as adults I think the two children made this cake. Little ones can help with chores and this gives them a feeling of being important and learning a new task.  I think all children and teens need chores. It makes them feel they are contributing  to the family and gives them a sense of pride. As children get older they can put on plays or skits and a dress-up box is a must for every household. I still have one my  grandchildren used. TV was never on in our house, except for programs like Captain Kangeroo and a few other children's programs. How lucky I was that we did not have computers then and social media. 

How Can Schools Open Safely?

The mother of two middle school children asked me if I felt it was safe for her kids to go back to school in September. She lives in one of the best school districts in San Diego and they are asking for thoughts from parents. I sent her a list of my questions and told her I would be glad to talk to  her about them some more. She was a favorite patient of mine, as were her sisters and we have kept in touch for many years.

In thinking about the problems parents are having in deciding whether they were willing to put their children at risk if they go back to school I thought about how I would feel if I had small children.The American Academy of Pediatrics, of which I am a fellow, has said children should back to school. However, they give no specifics about what the schools should do, nor does Trump. Children certainly need socialization with their peers and online school is just not the same. I do not understand why any parent would either home school or allow a child to have schooling entirely on-line if they had a choice. I don't think either are healthy for children or teens. A particular problem with online or home schooling is for children with special needs. P.T., O.T., speech therapy, and other things specified in an IEP would not be available.

I think I would find a way for small children to have lots of books and other learning tools and not  allow them to go back to school if I was not satisfied with good answers to my 14 questions. If any parent would like a copy of my questions, you can e-mail me at [email protected] and I will be glad to send them to you.