Rx For Parenting Today

Teenagers and Social Media

It is hard to watch the news and hear statistics about teens, who because they are active on social media,  may do harm to themselves. It  got me to thinking about what I would do if I was the parent of a teenager. I would certainly find a lot of fun activities the kids could become involved in, jobs they could do, or ways they could volunteer to help others. What are parents thinking if they allow a teen to spend hours on a computer being involved on social media sites? Don't parents have any  control of what their kids are doing these days? What about chores, helping around the house? Do teens these days learn to cook, sew, knit, iron, have music or art lessons, or have homework to do? I started working when I was 12 and later on worked as a waitress after school and on weekends. Money was tight for us as a family, even though my father was a college professor. 

Both of my children had sports activities and music lessons, and my son became very involved in theater.  My daughter volunteered at a school for children of  low income parents.  Then  later, after college she started a  program in San Francisco to help kids with disabilities find jobs and my son became a physician. If you are going to  be a parent, it is a hard job, but very rewarding if you take the job seriously. Are parents too involved with their social life, their jobs, shopping, or themselves? Something is very wrong if a child thinks suicide or hurting himself or herself is the answer. One of the reason I sold my much loved pediatric practice was  either I was going to  have to adopt some of the children who were in such pain or  open an orphanage.  

Thoughts about Charter Schools and the Pros and Cons

Our educational system in the United States leaves a lot to be desired, particularly in low income areas. There was an interesting  article recently in the New York Times by Eve Ewing. She is a former teacher and has interviewed and researched charter schools. I like one paragraph  where she notes that  "Although  charter schools  have  improved, they are "less effective than their non-charter peers". However, she says they are "more effective for low-income students and students of color than for white and affluent students."

I was raised in a college town that should  have had good public schools. However, when I went to Stanford the professors would said, "Oh you would  have had that in high school." They were not talking about the high  school I attended!

One of the smartest things I did when my two children were growing up was insist they go to private school. Our San Diego public schools were not good and certainly do not seem to have improved. Both children received wonderful educations for which I am very grateful. We did not have the money to send them to private school and were living in a small rented house , as we were both just  starting to practice medicine. 

I worry greatly about the education many students are receiving. I think we can see that in many kids need for constant entertainment, social media, and the lack of inner resources so evident during this pandemic. Kids knowledge of other countries, other cultures, and even the history of this country seems to be greatly lacking. 

I hope the Biden administration will push our schools to do a better job and all  children will get a good education, as kids seem to in Europe.

 

Teaching your Children to Have Concern for Those Less Fortunate

I feel very fortunate growing up in a small college town where money was not the focus. Instead, education and the work ethic were. Only one of my group of friends had an affluent parent and she was good about not talking about it. (Her father was a realtor and owned orange groves.) She was also the only one given a car as a teenager. Wearing expensive clothes or going shopping for non-essentials was not something we did.  Now it seems to be the norm among many families for their children to be given anything they ask for and having part-time or after school jobs is not usual for many kids. 

I think some of the best lessons I learned about people was waiting table in a small local college inn and one summer in a busy restaurant. I remember buying  my clothes to go to Stanford with the tips I received. I also waited table in my Stanford dorm dining room where many of the girls had never worked and sent their dirty clothes home each week for the maid to wash. That was an eye-opening experience for me.  Both of my children had summer jobs and also received an allowance when they had completed their weekly chores. Now I see kids given gold credit card and cars when they reached the age they can drive. Household chores and summer jobs are also not the norm for many. 

When you have never had to worry about money or had a job, how do you learn  what it means to be poor, homeless, or to work? Now with this terrible pandemic, thousands are hungry and having to go to food banks. The news  shows some people arriving in expensive cars to pick up food.

With the many evictions that are occurring, people losing their jobs, and no help in sight I wonder if some of those accustomed to money will learn anything from this terrible crisis?  This could be a time when many kids will need to learn about a different way to live.

Children Diagnosed with the Virus and What Needs to Be Done

Several sources today have noted that a half million children have been diagnosed with the corona virus. I could not find the ages involved and if these were children who had gone back to school. Yes, school is important but a child's health is more important. Unless a school is checking temperatures each day on entry, has a nurse on site, and has followed the strict requirements to reopen safely, I would be very hesitant about sending a child to school at this time. Sadly, only 40% of schools have a nurse on site and 35% of schools have a part-time nurse.

Nicholas Kristof had an excellent article on the editorial page of the New York Times about what is happening in low-income areas where children are being told that classes will be on-line. Yes, the children will perhaps be safer at home, but the problem is that the majority of these low-income children will not have computers and will lose a lot of teaching. Mr. Kristof noted that if these children miss just 10% of class days, this is associated with a seven-fold increase risk of dropping out. Special needs children must have the services law required by law in their IEPs but how these will be provided at this time is a problem. Creative ways must be found, so the children can receive what is needed outside of their schools. Schools need more federal aid, low income children must have computers if their schools will be online, and masks, social distancing, out-door classes when possible, and checking the ventilation systems must all be done or we will have more infected kids.

Keeping Children Happy and Busy During the Pandemic

I was thinking today what I would do if I had small children and teens during this pandemic. Having survived 3 very hard years in Rochester, New York during long, long winters and short springs and summers, I  had to be very creative to keep  our two children busy. My daughter, even as a small child, loved puzzles and her brother loved building things. I found large paper blocks that were great and puzzles made out of wood. I did a lot of reading to the children, playing games with them and they helped me with cooking. Even small children like to help make cookies and a favorite was a cake you make all in one pan. Even as adults I think the two children made this cake. Little ones can help with chores and this gives them a feeling of being important and learning a new task.  I think all children and teens need chores. It makes them feel they are contributing  to the family and gives them a sense of pride. As children get older they can put on plays or skits and a dress-up box is a must for every household. I still have one my  grandchildren used. TV was never on in our house, except for programs like Captain Kangeroo and a few other children's programs. How lucky I was that we did not have computers then and social media. 

When Children are Included in an Adult Party or Visit to Friends

I am often amazed when small children are included at an adult party or visit to friends that their parents often don't bring toys or special foods for them. I guess they expect the hosts or friends  to have things for the children. I have spent a great deal of time at different events watching out for little children to be sure they didn't get into any harm. It is so easy for a child to slip away and get into serious trouble. This is particularly true of children on the autism spectrum.

I have had to care for little children who almost drowned, were injured or tried to slip away and almost were injured. I always took special toys or snacks when I was traveling with my children, when they were small. I never expected the families we visited or the parties I attended with the  children to expect someone else to care for them.

Now that the holidays are approaching, if you want to enjoy yourself, it would be wise to hire a teenager, you can trust, to go with you and watch out for the children. A teenage boy made a real difference in a child's life at a wedding recently when the single mother paid absolutely no attention to her autistic son. This was in a large house and yard  where he easily could have come to serious harm. He also could have ruined the wedding. Thinking ahead and being aware of potential problems with small children always pays off. Happy Holidays!

Saying "NO" to Children

I had an upsetting conversation with a long-time friend the other day. She is a teacher in a private school and told me something truly unbelievable.  It was about a spoiled little girl who was misbehaving. My friend,who has been a teacher for many years, started to insist the child behave when another teacher whispered "Be careful, you know we are not allowed to say "no"" to the children". Not only  were they not allowed to say "No" but any form of discipline, such as a time-out, was not allowed. My friend is going to stick it out until the end of the year and then retire.

What are we doing to children if they are given no limits, no discipline and no guidelines. Many of my pedaitric patients told me  they wished their parents would lay down the rules. That way they knew what was expected and the boundaries. No wonder so many children seem lost and at loose-ends. If they don't know what is right and what is wrong and how far they can go, they are in big trouble. Drugs, alcohol and acting out may be just a cry for some guidelines. 

When I helped my divorced son raise his children, I often said "This is just the way it is. I am not here to be your friend, but to keep you safe, feed you, and get you to and from school." Now my granddaughter and I laugh about this. Both grandchildren have become wonderful caring adults. Their father has always parented the way I parented, as did my daughter with her two step-children.

I do not know when parents decided they could not longer say "No" to their children, but it is causing great harm. The parents who can say "no" and set limits are fighting against the current trend, but their children are very fortunate to have parents who act like parents, not good friends.

Suicide in Teens and Netflix's- 13 Reasons Why

I do not understand why the executives at Netflix would allow the terrible film, 13 Reasons Why, to be made and shown. I  hope parents and the American Academy of Pediatrics protest loudly. Having cared as a pediatrician for teens who tried to commit suicide or thought about it, I am greatly concerned. Does the company have no understanding of the terrible effects the film could have? Teen suicides often occur in clusters and seeing Netflix's film could push a teen over the edge.

Being a teen today is extremely difficult today with all the bullying on social media, plus the need for girls to be thin, beautiful and wear the right clothes. I am so glad I no longer have teenage children and my grandchildren are also adults. It must be so difficult being the  parent of a teen today unless you can be firm, but loving, and let the kids know how important they are to you. Teenagers don't want their parents to be friends, but want them to be parents. That way they feel safe and secure if they know how important they are and also know the rules. If a teen is depressed, hides out in his or her room, or has few friends, some counseling is very much needed. These are all signs of depression. Just talking with a teen can help, but some professional help is also needed. It should not be put off. Suicide hotlines are very important, but some ongoing help from a good psychologist or psychiatrist can save a child's life. 

Depressed Teenagers and Suicide

With all the national and international chaos we are seeing now, it is an even more difficult time to be the parent  of a teenager. I am sure it is hard to keep up with the day's work, both in and out of the house, as well as to be sure your kids are O.K. Children do react to tension. If you are a teenage girl, the desire to be part of the in-group, make-up, clothes and boyfriends can be all consuming. The latest statistics are that suicide is the second leading cause of death in kids between 12 and 19 years of age. If parents get too busy to realize a teen is depressed, the results can be devastating. Girls who don't fit the current beauty standards  set by movie and TV stars, can begin to feel that life is not worth living. Girls who did well in school, but then begin to get poor grades, spent a lot of time in their rooms, don't eat or cry a lot should be a cause of concern. Girls generally try to commit suicide with drugs, while boys more often find a gun to use. Suicide hotlines have saved many lives, but if a teenage boy or girl begins to change contacting the child's doctor is the first step. If the doctor does not offer any help then a good psychologist or psychiatrist is needed.

School counselors in the past were often helpful, but now they mostly take care of the problems of absent student. Many, too, don't have the training to counsel a student who is depressed. If parents have good communication with their teens, asking about what is going on is important. However, if a teen is depressed, they generally don't want to talk about it or talk at all. It is important to remove guns from a teen's reach, as well as any drugs that could be fatal. As a parent,  you want to be sure that no bullying is going on, either at school or on social media. Suicides have been reported when bullying goes on and is not recognized. So spending lots of time with your teens, doing fun things together and stressing a child's special skills will pay off now and in the future.

Abdominal Pain in Children

Abdominal pain or tummy aches in children can be due to many diffferent things. The most common cause, particularly in small children who are milk drinkers, is constipation. Now that we  have CT scans, MRIs and other methods of diagnosis, the cause should always be found. Even though all these things are available, a good physical examination, including a rectal examination, must always be the first step.

I was watching a TV movie the other night and was amazed that the director had obviously not had an M.D. consult when making the picture. I usually don't watch anything that includes medical problems, because more often than not they are inaccurate. In this movie, the young pretty doctor placed her hands on a eight-year-olds abdomen and said he probably had a neuroblastoma. I turned  off the TV at that point! No doctor can make a diagnosis by simply laying their hands on a child. Neuroblastomas generally occur in children under age five. Now that school will start in either August or September, some children will complain  of pain in their stomach because of a school phobia.   Allergies  can cause stomach pain, as can an appendicitis and many other things. A second opinion is always  wise before a lot of expensive tests are done. Most U.S. medical schools seem to be teaching their students about unusual problems and not about common problems. I had one child who swallowed a razor blade, another had poked a small metal object into her vagina. All were having abdominal pain and diagnosis was by examination and a simple X-ray. They did not  have a neuroblastoma!