Rx For Parenting Today

When Children are Left Home Alone

 With the increased violence we are seeing under the Trump administration and  threats on legislators and government officials, I fear for the safety of their children. Even before the Trump administration, I have always been opposed to children being left home alone.  I know of far too many teenage girls who became pregnant in their own homes when they were home alone with a boy friend. Kids who were left home alone have told me they always hid in a closet until a parent arrived, fearing someone would come and hurt them. There have been children injured or killed when no adult was present and they were playing with a gun found in the home. All guns must be put up and away where a child cannot find them.

One boy was playing cops and robbers with a friend and since he was the bad guy, he pretended he was being hung. The rope slipped and his mother found him dead when she returned home.

The answer to the  problem can be an older person hired to watch after a child or children if parents have to be gone. Ideally, there is a grandparent or relative who can help out. When schools were open and there was after-school playtime, the problem was not so acute. Now with many playgrounds and schools closed the problem has become even more severe. Some parents  have found that  trading with other parents for childcare can be the answer if they have to be gone. There still can be masks and social distancing this way. 

Knowing an adult will be present gives a child a feeling of safety. How nice to know an adult will be home to give you a snack and even some homemade cookies. It was easier to  have children when guns were not such a problem and divorce was less prevalent so there were fewer single, working parents. 

 

Teaching your Children to Have Concern for Those Less Fortunate

I feel very fortunate growing up in a small college town where money was not the focus. Instead, education and the work ethic were. Only one of my group of friends had an affluent parent and she was good about not talking about it. (Her father was a realtor and owned orange groves.) She was also the only one given a car as a teenager. Wearing expensive clothes or going shopping for non-essentials was not something we did.  Now it seems to be the norm among many families for their children to be given anything they ask for and having part-time or after school jobs is not usual for many kids. 

I think some of the best lessons I learned about people was waiting table in a small local college inn and one summer in a busy restaurant. I remember buying  my clothes to go to Stanford with the tips I received. I also waited table in my Stanford dorm dining room where many of the girls had never worked and sent their dirty clothes home each week for the maid to wash. That was an eye-opening experience for me.  Both of my children had summer jobs and also received an allowance when they had completed their weekly chores. Now I see kids given gold credit card and cars when they reached the age they can drive. Household chores and summer jobs are also not the norm for many. 

When you have never had to worry about money or had a job, how do you learn  what it means to be poor, homeless, or to work? Now with this terrible pandemic, thousands are hungry and having to go to food banks. The news  shows some people arriving in expensive cars to pick up food.

With the many evictions that are occurring, people losing their jobs, and no help in sight I wonder if some of those accustomed to money will learn anything from this terrible crisis?  This could be a time when many kids will need to learn about a different way to live.

Tips I Wish All Parents Knew

I loved being in private pediatric practice and still hear from many old  patients and their parents. However, today I think it  would be hard to practice the way I did because times have changed so much. Many parents seem to feel they know  more than their parents or even their doctors. One of the most important thing I wish all parents knew is that time spent with parents is much more important  than material things. The other equally important tip is that time to play and just be a child is of major importance. I remember the father who told me that he and his wife drove 20 miles each day to put their two-year-old in a special program located at San Diego State because they wanted to be sure he was accepted at Harvard. Some children don't want to go to college and should not but would  love to go to art school, trade school or get a job. Every child should be allowed to follow his or her own path or dreams. 

Many children today are scheduled for too many lessons, sports, other activities  and play dates. Every minutes  is accounted for. One teenager told me he hated his private school and he had no time for himself. What he really wanted to do was tinker with an old car. Some parents give their teens a credit card and a car at age 16. Yet most do not have the judgment and maturity to handle this. That is why there is such a high accident rate with teenage drivers. 

Some parents hover other their children so much, the kids have no time to breathe. They check on their school assignments and monitor every move.

Constant praise is the norm for many children. Yes, you note accomplishments but every thing a child does should not require constant praise. There will be  bumpy times ahead when children must be able to handle problems. Bad times come to all of us.  

If the Virus Has Made a Child Fearful of Going Outside

There was an excellent article in the New York Times on 10/22/20 about children who have had to stay inside so much, because of the pandemic, that they become fearful of going out of their house. After reading the article I thought about what I would do if I had a child like that. If the problem was  severe or didn't resolve quickly, I would want to find a good child psychologist. If not, I think parents can do a great deal to change the situation. 

If a child has become addicted to the TV, game boys, or other devices, my first step would be to turn off the TV, get rid of the various devices, and start finding fun things to do around the house. It is a lot easier to just let children watch TV or play with all of their devices, but it can be very unhealthy. Chores would be a good way to start and a chore chart can help kids know what they need to do and what the rewards will be. 

Making cookies, cakes, fudge or other things can be fun and good training. Puzzles can be lots of fun, as can putting on plays, learning music, or doing  artwork. A dress-up box is a good thing to have and I always had one for my children when they were small and then my grandchildren. There are such wonderful inexpensive art materials now that kids are very lucky. Reading to little ones and even older children can be satisfying to all. 

Decorating for various seasons, such as Halloween, can be a family affair and older children can help their fathers (and some mothers) make things in the garage if the parent is  good with tools.

A ride in the car to pick up a sandwich or something else can get a child outside.  A  walk on the beach  or in a park with masks on and social distancing can be a way to get outside. I am sure as parents you can think of many more things but doing things as a  family can be fun and break the in-house cycle.

Teaching Children Morals and Ethics

In these days of outright lies and half truths, it is important that children are taught what is right and what is wrong. I was fortunate to have a father who was very clear about what was wrong and and what was O.K.. In many ways it was hard when I saw other kids' getting by with lies and doing things I knew were  not right. I realize now that I was very fortunate. I took a course a long time ago at UC San Diego taught by a man at the university. I soon quit the class because the man's definition of morality was "What was appropriate at the time!" I could not stomach that and quit the class as did several others. Sometime later he was involved with a group that the government discovered were doing unethical things.  I don't recall the details but at least he was hopefully stopped from spreading his lies anymore.

When children are caught in outright lies or are doing things to siblings or friends that are hurtful, such as bullying, I hope their parents will take action. If this means taking away a privilege or an allowance, it should be something that will make an impact.  If a child is allowed to go on doing things that are not ethical or are lying, at sometime in their life they will probably be caught. This could mean being expelled from school. a class, a job. or a marriage.

I have seen MDs do things that are not only wrong but dangerous for patients. Yes, there are a lot of outstanding, wonderful caring doctors, but I have a lot of concern about some of the  medical students being admitted to medical schools and graduating with an M.D. Many of these new M.Ds have one concern and that is to make a lot of money. I have actually had students tell me that is their main concern. I wish I had been on the committee that admitted them!

Parenting During this Awful Pandemic

I was thinking today what I would do if I had small or teenage children during this terrible pandemic. It would depend on whether I was a stay-at-home parent or a parent who could go to work. Being a stay-at-home parent would mean that I would have to be very creative and find ways for the children to keep busy. Watching lots of TV would not be the answer, but books, games, cooking, chores, puzzles and other things would have to be tried. The most important thing for a stay-at-home parent is to have some time for yourself. If that means having to hire someone to watch the children while you read a book, work in the garage, took a bath, or did some work of your own, that must be part of your day. No parent should devote the entire day to the children. Kids also need to find creative ways to amuse themselves if the are old enough to do so. A playpen for the  little ones would be important to keep them safe for short periods.

Being a self-sacrificing parent  with no life of your own is not going to help your family or yourself. Because it looks as if the virus will not be under control for many more months due to the ineptitude of Trump, I think plans need to be made and discussed about how we can all survive this difficult time. People who lived through other awful times like the polio epidemic and wars had to become very creative. I have great respect for friends in other countries who have told me how they survived during some terrible times.

Keeping Children Happy and Busy During the Pandemic

I was thinking today what I would do if I had small children and teens during this pandemic. Having survived 3 very hard years in Rochester, New York during long, long winters and short springs and summers, I  had to be very creative to keep  our two children busy. My daughter, even as a small child, loved puzzles and her brother loved building things. I found large paper blocks that were great and puzzles made out of wood. I did a lot of reading to the children, playing games with them and they helped me with cooking. Even small children like to help make cookies and a favorite was a cake you make all in one pan. Even as adults I think the two children made this cake. Little ones can help with chores and this gives them a feeling of being important and learning a new task.  I think all children and teens need chores. It makes them feel they are contributing  to the family and gives them a sense of pride. As children get older they can put on plays or skits and a dress-up box is a must for every household. I still have one my  grandchildren used. TV was never on in our house, except for programs like Captain Kangeroo and a few other children's programs. How lucky I was that we did not have computers then and social media. 

An Amazing Fifteen-year-old

It was wonderful to see a fifteen-year-old Georgia girl say why she took the picture of the crowded hallway  in her school. She said "She felt it was the right thing to do."  Her parents must be very proud. The girl knew she would probably be suspended and she was. The suspension was later removed because of public outcry. I predict a bright future for this teenager and hope many others will follow in her footsteps. I see far too many teens in the affluent town where I now live whose only concern is their clothes, having a boyfriend, and social media. I asked one teenager at the beginning of the summer if she was going to look for a summer job. She said she had one for a few days, but the hours were not right. When you have a car, a boyfriend and a credit card, no job is going to seem right.

I knew I needed summer and other jobs to buy my clothes for college. My friends were mostly professors' daughters, as I was, but money was tight for all of us. We did not have cars and certainly not credit cards.  I learned a lot by waiting table in high school and in college. Many people who have always had money have no idea how the real world works. I feel sad for them as I did for my many Stanford wealthy classmates. Good parenting means teaching children about real life and making a difference. I was asked at a book reception what I felt my greatest accomplishment was. They thought I would probably say my M.D. or my ten successfully published non-fiction books. They were surprised and pleased when I said "My two children." 

Lets hope more teenagers follow Hannah Watters and her bravely speaking out and doing what she felt was right. 

Summer Safety for Children

It must be very hard to be a parent or parents of active children during this time of the corona virus. Now that summer is coming with some hot days, parents will have to be very creative to keep their children busy. Because of social distancing, swimming pools, the beach and other summer activities may not be a good idea. I now live in a beach town and am amazed to see young people, some with children in groups, with no masks and no social distancing. I am often the only one wearing a mask, as I stop to get my mail or do a quick errand. 

If you are determined to travel there are some safety issues to consider. Some motels and hotels are lax about being sure their windows can be securely shut. I was in a hotel several years ago and noted that even on the fifth floor where my room was, the windows had no screens and were difficult to close. I sent a letter to the CEO of the big chain of hotels and expressed my concern about this. After several follow-up calls, I finally received a letter saying he had issued an order that all their hotels should have screens on the windows that could not be removed. Children have been lost from climbing out of hotel windows that were high up and had no screens.

Children have skin that can burn easily from hot sun, so if you are outside  even for a walk, little ones over six months of age should have sunscreen put on. 

Remember also that their clothing should should be appropriate for the temperature outside. I have seen babies dressed too warmly in summer and with too little clothing on cold winter days. Indoor games can be fun, puzzles can also be fun even for little ones if they have large pieces or are made of wood. 

Older children can put on plays and even fashion shows. Keeping them away from the TV can be hard and should be allowed only for short periods of time. 

Single Parenting

The problems of being a single parent are different whether you are divorced, widowed, or a single parent by choice. One of the pluses of being a single parent is that the way you parent is up to you and you don't have to discuss your choices with a partner. However, the downside is that you have the total responsibility of how the kids are raised. It can get very lonely and you need a  great support system. I always felt like a single parent, even though I was married for seventeen years. My husband was a Navy flight surgeon and in Okinawa for six months. After he he came home, we set out for Rochester, New York where he was known as the best orthopedic resident they ever had. He was a marvelous orthopedic surgeon, but the only way I knew he had been home was there were dirty clothes and the peanut butter jar was left open on the counter. It didn't get easier when he was in private practice in California with a group. I was also working,in pediatric private practice and directing 3 neuromuscular clinics. 

I had great support  from friends and housekeepers and the children were wonderful. They had chores and were very aware of how hard I had to work. I involved them in many of my activities and they got to know quite a few of my neuromuscular patients and often helped in my office. Support groups can be very helpful and you need to take good care of yourself by getting exercise and eating in a healthy way. Trying to be a super parent  does not work and allowing your children to get by without helping in every way they can will create later problems.  You need to give the children specific guidelines. Trying to be your children's friend and not their parent is a serious mistake and this is something kids have told me they do not want.