Rx For Parenting Today

Online Learning can Create Long-Term Problems

I agree with Dr. Fauci that we need to get kids back in school as soon as we can be sure they will be safe. A child from an affluent home who has a computer and parents who can help if there is a problem are much better off than those in poor homes with no computer and parents lining up at food banks or trying to get to their jobs. 

Even children from affluent homes are at a disadvantage if all their school work is done on a computer. Several studies have been published showing that  children need to learn cursive or how to write by hand. Writing cursive helps children retain facts better than if they just see them on a computer. One study showed that children "with fine-motor  writing skills early on did better later on". Another study showed that kids retain information much better if they have to take notes or  write down information. I always took a lot of notes when I was in school, college, or medical school. I often just studied the notes when I needed to prepare for a test. I still take notes about things I want to remember and use a computer only for e-mails, book chapters, Google etc.

If I had children at home now I would insist on as little computer time as possible. If a child had to do on-line learning, I would be sure a lot of time was not being spent on social media sites, sexting, and e-mailing friends. Some children are having headaches, eye strain and other medical problems from overusing their computers. 

Why are Youth Suicides increasing?

A good article in the 12/3/19 New York Times stressed the importance of doing something about the marked increase in youth suicides. It stressed that from 2000 to 2007 the suicide rate of youths from ten years to twenty-four increased by 56 percent. That is startling. It is the second leading cause of death in this age group next to car accidents.  It also stated that "since 2011, there's been nearly a 400 percent increase nationally in suicide attempts by self-poisoning." 

What is going on? Are parents getting so busy that they are not recognizing a child in trouble? Perhaps they are in denial or just not paying attention to their children. School, too, are to blame when individuals in trouble are expelled rather than identified and helped. I've seen several articles about schools that send troubled kids to charter schools so their graduation rate stays high, rather than helping the students in trouble.  The charter schools don't seem to be helping these students either because many students do their school work online and no one pays much attention to them. 

Social media is terrible for the many students who spend a great deal of time online and their smartphones are their connection with the outside world. I would not allow any child of mine to constantly be on a smartphone. What about talking to your children, having family dinners, what about chores or doing things together? Has parenting turned into just feeding and clothing children? When I was in private pediatric practice, many kids would pretend to be ill just so they could come and talk to me. I still hear from patients I took care of many years ago. They are desperate for real communication and knowing an adult who cares. One of the reasons I sold my practice was I was either going to open a group home for the many lost kids I saw almost daily, adopt a bunch of them, or find an answer to their loneliness. 

Traveling with Children

Now that summer is here, many families are traveling. I've had to travel with tiny babies, toddlers, and older children. Some of the things I've learned have been helpful to many of my parents. If you are flying with a baby or small children you want to be sure they are swallowing from a bottle of milk or water when the plane takes off and lands. Otherwise they may end up with a painful ear. If you are breast feeding that is fine too, as long as the baby is actively sucking.

Little children need lots of things to keep them distracted. A favorite toy is important for a child to have and I would discourage the use of electronic devices for them. It would be good if older children or teenagers could read or play a game rather than spending the entire flight looking at electronic devices.

If you are traveling by car, frequent stops are a good idea. I always had a bag at my feet with surprises and good nibbles. Be careful about hard objects that could cause swallowing problems. I would avoid nuts, cubes of cheese, raw vegetables or anything that could get stuck in a child's throat.

If a child develops medical problems along the way, I would first try to reach the child's pediatrician. Some of the urgent clinics may not be the best and ER's don't usually  have doctors with pediatric training. Playing car games is fun such as looking for license plates of all the states, playing "I spy" and singing. Old fashioned things make the time go more quickly and may leave some nice family memories. 

Helping Children Develop Good Self-Esteem

Many children and teens spend so much time on social media sites, that their image of themselves and the world around them becomes greatly distorted. The need to be one of the group, wear the correct clothes, and be able to know tech-speak is all important. Somewhere along the way, the usual family functions  become lost. When both parents work outside the home, many kids are left pretty much to themselves. Social media then becomes their world. With all the bullying that goes on in social media, a child's self-esteem can become pretty damaged. If a child has no chores, does nothing to contribute to the family life, their world becomes even more restricted. They expect to be waited on by their parents and also use them as ATM machines. Many kids have no daily chores and are not even expected to keep their own rooms picked up or make their beds. Having daily chores help kids learn how to take care of themselves. Both boys and girls need to know how to make a sandwich, plan a meal, shop, clean, iron and sew. If they don't learn these things, they can  become extremely dependent on others and never really grow up. Chores help develop a good sense of self and good self-esteem. Contributing to the family life is important, because it makes kids feel needed. When I took a history and did a yearly physical examination I always asked what chores the kids were doing. One mother of a teen said "Well, he takes his own shower!" She kept her son very close and as a single parent was devastated when he moved in with a teenage girl. 

Parenting by Apps

Now that families are often scattered far and wide, many parents don't have the comfort of grandparents or relatives close by to offer help and advice. Instead, many turn to the Internet or Apps to get parenting advice. Sadly, some of the advice is from people with little training and no parenting education or degrees.  Now pediatricians spent most of their time treating children with medical problems and often don't have the time to really know their patients or the families. I always found a single house call told me more than several office visits. The monthly parenting classes I held in my office classroom also gave me an opportunity to know what questions  parents had and the problems most distressing to them. To me one of the  greatest joys of being a practicing pediatrician was really knowing my patients and their parents. I still hear from patients I first saw as babies in the nursery. Now many are married and have children of their own.

The other change I have noticed is that parents don't read parenting books as they did in the past and bookstores now have markedly decreased the shelf space they give to parenting books. When my children were small, I was lucky to have Dr. Spock's book available. Later he wrote an endorsement for the back of my first book. That is a special memory and I was honored because he was a wise and caring man.

There is a great deal of misinformation on the Internet and I am wondering what false information is on the various Apps parents listen to? I think plain old commonsense is a parent's best guide, as well as establishing limits and being able to say "No" to their children. I find a lot of that is missing today.

 

Teen Deaths from Suicide Now Greater than Traffic Deaths in U.S.

The mother of a 14-year-old told me recently of the plans she and her husband had to buy their daughter a car when she was a senior. "Why would you do that for her at 16?" , I asked. The mother replied that all the seniors in her private school had them. I was troubled by the mother's  response for two reasons. I felt the daughter would not have the maturity to handle a car and also because her ADHD complicated the issue.

I think parents have to be assess very carefully whether or not they buy a car for a teenager. Far too many teens are killed by drunk or reckless driving. Now we have  the added concern that more teens will die by suicide than by traffic accidents.What is going on in the U.S.? Are we such a money driven, celebrity culture that teens commit suicide if they are mocked on social media or bullied because they don't wear the right clothes, drive the right car, or have a boy friend? As parents and grandparents, have we done what we could to make the teens feel valued, looked for their special gifts and helped develop them? Losing a child can be the worst tragedy that can happen to a parent. If it is by suicide I cannot imagine what the parents must be thinking.

Families that still have family meals with the TV, radio, and cell phones turned off have a better chance of being able to communicate with their kids and know if something is troubling them.  If the kids shut themselves up in their rooms, stop communicating with their parents face to face and no family meals take place a great deal can happen.

The Hard Task of Parenting Teenagers Today

Parenting teens today can be difficult, but it can also be fun if the kids have grown up knowing their parents love them and are in charge. When teens don't have boundaries or don't respect their parents, lots of trouble can lie ahead. I have had many teenage patients say they wished their parents would set limits. That way they know how to act and they feel loved and safe. One author made the statement that " The time to disarm a teenage time bomb is when they are two." I certainly agree with that. I enjoyed my children's friends and I think they enjoyed coming to our house. One teen told me later that our house saved her because her mother was so unloving and so strict. At our house, she said she felt loved and wanted. Teens have to confront so many problems these days that I could write a book just about their difficulties. Self-esteem, bullying, anorexia, bulimia, suicide, drugs, and questions about engaging in sexual activities all come up for teens. Drinking and drugs are also something teens have to face.  One study showed that 50% of parents had no idea that their children were sexually active. Teen pregnancies still are happening and as more Planned Parenthood Clinics are closed by the Republicans, teenage girls are put at great risk. I had no problem writing prescriptions for sexually active teens. I did not ask their parents' permission because knowing the parents, I was sure they would not have allowed it and the girls could easily have become pregnant. I knew their home situations were so difficult that having a boy friend was probably how they made it from day to day. 

I wish doctors who give Botox for cosmetic reasons to teens would re-think what they are doing. Is making more money that important? Doing surgery on an underage girl because she doesn't like the size of her breasts, her chin, or nose seems wrong to me. Do these girls have  such poor self-esteem that they have to resort to Botox and surgery? 

Social media and the ability to send photos to others has created a great problem. In one study 20% of girls admitted sending nude photos of themselves to boys. What are these girls thinking and where are their parents?  I think one answer is to have daily conversations with your teens, particularly around the dinner table and at night before they go to bed. I found telling each child goodnight in their own bedroom was a good time to really talk. 

 

Kids Who don't Learn to Enjoy Reading or Know How to Write by Hand

I was just talking to two girls, who are both only children, and asked what they did in the summertime. Both said they "Hung out with friends and didn't like to read books."  I know neither of their schools has made writing by hand a priority and I wonder what they will be like as adults. Will they ever pick up a book just to enjoy it or will their world just  be computers, smart phones, and other technologies? The girls were both amazed when I said I read books all summer when I was a child, because that and swimming were all we had to do. Sleepovers were not something that was done and many families were away on trips because many parents were teachers or professors, as was my father, and that was their time off. 

There have been several articles recently about the importance of having children learn to write by hand or cursive writing. Several studies have shown that writing by hand helps kids by making them "pay attention to written language." Studies have also shown that "cursive skills conferred advantages in both spelling and composing." I enjoy writing by hand and prefer that to using a computer. There is a great satisfaction in seeing your words come out on paper. Also, by taking notes, I found I could remember what a teacher was saying much better than if I didn't take notes. It has been shown that students who take notes on an computer versus those who take notes by hands don't do as well on tests. Writing by hand somehow imprints the facts on to the brain.  

Sadly, many school administrators don't know the facts and their pupils are not learning to write by hand. One superintendent said she just wanted the pupils to learn how to sign their names! I hope she does not last too long in her position.I think we are hurting children by exposing them to too much technology. I am not sure their brains can absorb all of the various gadgets. I think learning to enjoy books and great literature is very important and European countries are far ahead of us in this respect, as well as in many other areas of education.

Good Information for Parents about Apps, iPhones and Androids

An article I wish all parents could read appeared in the 12/24/15 New York Times written by Brian Chen. He is both a parent and an expert on all the gadgets available to kids these days. He  discusses which gadgets are the safest for kids to use, so they can not order countless dollars of merchandise available through different apps and also which ones can protect kids from having access to vault apps. He states that "vault apps are phone apps with sexting capabilities that disguise themselves as calculator programs and other mundane tools."  Surveys have shown that 22% of seventh graders admit to sexting. That is beyond my understanding that a 13-year-old would be so desperate for a boyfriend that she would send a nude picture of herself to a boy. Where are the parents? Are they talking about sexting to their daughters?

Mr. Chen states that iPhones work better than androids to help parents set up controls, so their children can not get into sites that  they should not access. He mentions a Family Sharing setting on the iPhone that allows parents to have some control over what their kids are doing.   He describes a feature on the Family Sharing called "As to Buy" where parents  are notified if a child wanted to purchase something available on an app. They can approve or not approve. There is also a feature called Restrictions that can be helpful to parents. If kids have lots to do, such as chores and homework and some fun time, they would not have so much time to order things on an iPhone or play all the available  games. It is interesting to me that Steve Jobs and other computer experts did not or do not allow their children to have access to all these gadgets until they were much older.

Teenagers and Sexting

I talked with two thirteen-year-olds a few days about sexting and asked if they knew anyone their age who was doing this. They both said "Yes." One girl goes to a private school and the other to a public school. When I asked why any girl would want to send a nude picture of herself to a boy, the one girl answered, "She wants a boyfriend!" I was appalled.

Where are the parents of these girls and what are we teaching our teenagers? Is having a boyfriend when you are thirteen that important? I think the magazines, the Internet and society are all pushing teenage girls to grow up much too fast. My grandson told me that when he was a teenager, he would notice after summer vacation that some of the girls in his class had had facial or breast surgery. Is there a certain  picture of beauty that teenage girls and young women are trying to achieve in order to be attractive to boys and men? What about just getting a good education, being introduced to art, music, literature, theater, and dance? Europe is so far ahead of us in their schools and I believe in many ways in what they are teaching their young people. I believe that France actually subsidizes artists, which we certainly don't do in the U.S., according to my artist friends. When I was a teenager, the farthest thing from my mind was having to have a boy friend. I started working when I was about thirteen after school and weekends, had chores, lots of friends and went by myself to concerts at Pomona College where my father was a professor. We had little money, but life was rich in other ways. Perhaps if parents spent more time talking with their kids and having fun with them, the need for girls to do something like sexting would disappear. Also if parents brought up the subject of sexting with their teenagers, that could be very helpful. It would also be important to talk about sex in general. I gave many sex education talks when I was in private pediatric practice and at one private school,  a girl's mother asked that  her daughter not attend my talk. A few days later, the mother called and asked if I would talk with  the girl about intercourse and similar topics. She said she was unable to do it, but realized it was time!